I maybe an old lady, but I'm still here!

I started 2012 with a prospect for a new relationship. That guy seemed to be someone who could be long term. (Not every one knew about him.) Just a select few. But it did not last. It ended after a few short months of dating. So there I was, refusing to shed a tear, but bravely let it go. I pushed my self to find a new me again and move on. After all, I am an amazing person with lots to offer. I sought out a new adventures with friends, enjoyed being Miss Gay Texas State and enjoyed my new position at work. I also worked on my finances, getting in shape and improving my appearance. All of these things translated in to me inner being. It made me feel better about my self. The summer passed. I finished my rein in a grand way back in September. And at that point felt pretty good. But the last month and a half have been a roller coaster. Losing weight is generally accepted as a good thing. I have always been over 200lbs for as long as I can remember. Even in high school, I was a size 38 waist. But like most people, other protect your feelings and say”well its ok, you are tall” And Yes I’m tall, but weight does affect you emotionally and physically. Many other people can relate.


I felt good about eating less, walking, and seeing some results. I also stopped smoking several months ago. This was a habit which I hardly did anyways. I think at my high point, I was up to maybe five cigarettes a week, if I was nervous at the shows. I don’t think they even classify that as being a smoker….more of first hand-second hand smoker. That is not a medical term I just made it up. It was more of a social thing. That was an easy thing to let go. Lord knows I sucked enough smoke just being in the smoke filled clubs.


So now the roller coaster has caused some serious health problems. Well, maybe a snow ball would be more correct. I lost some weight, with out any crazy diets. I just ate less, exercised more. I also tried to eliminate sugar, fat and too many carbs. The biggest help was soda. I drank water or occasionally ice tea. After all, it’s Texas. Everyone likes ice tea.


But the quick weight loss also lessened my immunity. I had dealt with a urinary tact infection. It was treated with antibiotics. Then I had a bacterial infection in the soft tissue of my nose. It was ugly, but again had to be treated with antibiotics. It healed. Then I was still feeling run down. I attributed it to more of slump in my social activities. But I was feeling it physically too. The doctor again gave me medicine for walking pneumonia. "Walking pneumonia" sounds like it could be a character in a sci-fi horror movie. Although this form of infectious pneumonia can make you miserable, it's actually the least scary kind of pneumonia. That's because it's a mild pneumonia and does not generally require hospitalization. In fact, you could have walking pneumonia and not even know it. People who have walking pneumonia are seldom confined to bed or need to be hospitalized. Some may even feel well enough go to work and carry on with other regular routines, just as they might with a cold. This is what I continued to do. I finished the antibiotics. Then the doctor gave be steroids to help lung function. Progressively it got worse. I went back to the doctor. By this time I was in sad shape. I would have to hospitalized. Well Shit! That was my first reaction. Having too many illnesses so close together has left my immunity unable to recover on its own.


I would rather be fat and healthy than slim and sickly. But that is exactly is what happened. I am not under weight. In fact right now today, I am still about 20lbs over from where I should be for my height. If you ask me, the Body Mass index is full of crap. They use words like ”obese” as a category. One year ago, I was considered obese. Now I’m just over weight. That still stings a little.


This pneumonia has been very hard. They were pumping me full of antibiotics day and night. I was also doing breathing treatment. My biggest fear was being told that a ventilator would be next. OH NO, not me! This was no joke. The first three days, I was not sure if I would ever see improvement. I was too weak to walk far. I was dependant on my sister, who spent every day by my side. Slowly, I improved and seemed to had finally turned a corner. The doctor was pleased. Over all I was there for six tough days. The doctor wanted me to continue to take it easy for a few more day, but advised, that it would be several weeks for be fore I was back to my old self. I also have several follow up appointment with the lung specialist and a new internal medicine doctor that I will be seeing from no on. She will be able to treat my low immunity and hope fully keep me from serious illness again. Also there is a pneumonia vaccine that I will receive to guard against from getting sick again. It’s like being a diabetic, or a cancer patient. The more you do to take care of yourself, the better you can manage your condition. I am stronger today than I was yesterday. I will put on a brave face, and keep fighting like a champ. Because that is what champs do!


Just one more thing, I was so blessed to have my family close to me as I continue to recover. My sisters have been amazing.

Not going home.

I am thinking about going to home coming.  I don’t know why.  There is nobody there for me anymore. I have not been back home in over 10 years.   Maybe that is what I need to see,  that everyone is gone.  Here is what I thought I would do.  I would rent a car. Drive up after work, go watch the game.  Maybe drive by my parents old house.  Walk around and see if I could find any thing on that empty lot.  Maybe a penny, some thing to remind me that we once existed there.  Maybe its all gone.  If they tore down the house, they probably bull dozed the lot. This was the second place I remember living. It was across town from the Old house. 

I remember as a kid, I would play  under the big cedar trees out front.  When we first moved there, the trees were to big that you could not see the front of the house.  My dad had to cut them from underneath. So that you could walk under them.   I remember seeing all of the stubs that remained.  There were two large trees on both sides of the sidewalks.  It was a shot gun house.  My uncles were the ones who fixed the house up before we moved in.  My dad had bought the house and put work into making it livable.  The front rooms were bare floors and full of wood.  There were two front doors.  I think at one point the house was two separate buildings.  They were put together to make the house bigger.  I  wish it still existed so I could see if I am right.  The rear of the house had double windows, quite different from the rest of the house.  This addition included a bed room, bath room, and kitchen.  Our house was built probably in the 20’s. The wood framed windows were dingy and yellowed. Many had to be replaced because they were cracked.  They fixed the floors, re wired they house. They also put paneling and moldings to cover the bare walls.  They also expanded the door ways so that you could pass from one room to the other with out going through the narrow door ways. They also made closets where there were none.  Each panel door was old and closed with old latches.  These would remain, but never locked. There was only one bathroom.  It was old, but worked.  I remember how the house smelled when we first bought it. It had been closed up for so long.  It was like moving into someplace odd.  The entire yard was over grown, the buildings that came with the property, were all abandoned.  I always wondered what happened to the old man that lived there before us.  I assumed he died. I think he old lived in the back of the house.  It had the newest paneling, nice carpet, and the rest of the house was closed off.  The kitchen had been up dates and was in useable condition, even thought the pipes were old.  My parents worked for weeks on the house, them moved us in.  Originally, my parents wanted the far back room to be the boys room. The girls would share the front bedroom and my parents would take the middle room.  That did not happen.  My parents took the back bedroom. Their excuse was they did want to disturb e whole house because my dad always got up early. I think my parents just wanted the room closest to the bath room.  We never had blinds.  We only had curtains.  Blinds were foreign and so was central heat and air.  During ht e summer we slept under fans. Even when the night time heat did not fall below the high nineties. It was rough. 

During the winter, we froze with only a Dearborn heater and the heat from the kitchen stove.  We would some times sleep in our clothes to keep us warmer.  In winter we would put plastic on the windows.  My mom would buy plastic sheeting  kits.  It would come with clear plastic window plastic, cardboard strips and small nails to hang the plastic.  We would use a staple gun. It was faster then the small nails. The plastic helped to hold the heat in the house and keep the draft out. Old wooden windows were often drafty.   I have memories of helping my mom put on the plastics and tearing the strips as she stapled them on.  She would stand on a milk create and I would hand her the strips.

It’s interesting what I remember as I was writing this.  My mom, could do anything. She could make anything, she was very creative.  And I was there to share in the adventures.  I decided not to go back home.  I guess it is not my home anymore.  I was missing my parents and thought some how a trip would ease that feeling. I think it is ok to remember but I don’t need to go back. It’s been too long.  It is not my home any more.