I tried to relax this weekend in effort to clear my head about recent events in my life. My counseling continues and I am noticing small changes in myself. They are slow but happening. I have also tried to be more spontaneous recently. I have given myself permission to be. Saturday was a prime example. I was getting dressed to go to the store and suddenly it hit me. I need to go the cemetery. So I grabbed my wallet and keys. I had no plans that day. I filled up the tank. I put in a CD and hit the road. I drove the hour to Vashti Cemetery where GW is buried. Vashti is a small farm community, about 12 miles outside of Bowie Texas. I needed to go see the one person who always loved me, gave great advise and always thought I was amazing, in good times and bad. Even though he is not physically in my life, GW has served as my guardian angel and many times I feel his presence I was in a fair mood and look forward to quiet time at this scared place. This place has become my sanctuary too. It is a sad place but yet I feel safe enough to let go of the feelings that plague me over the years. If I had anything thing pulling at my heart, I could go there and let it all go.
I was chatting with a friend on the phone while driving. My friend Jenn has always very friendly on the phone. She just seeing how my day was and I told her I was driving out of town. We talked for a few minutes and she invited me to come to a charity show that was being held in Fort Worth. I thought it might be nice. So I said yes. I could go hang out with her and have girl talk and not have to actually participate in the show. I have not done drag in almost three months. I hung up with her and turned up the music.
Then the phone rang again. Quickly I picked up the phone. Alonso. A guy I had gone out with twice. We had a great lunch a few days before. We found a restaurant near our individual jobs and met for meditterain food. It was very good. Alonso was very polite, friendly and easy to talk to. I turned the radio back down when the phone rang again. Alonso was a nice guy, a few years younger than me. We had gone out the night before for dinner and movie. I had a great time and he seemed to as well. I asked how his day was because he had to work that morning. I had not talked to him since we said good night after our movie date. He said an uneasy “fine”. I first thought about our last. He had come over to my place and we rode together for our evening together. While at my place he noticed one of my drag pictures. He said is that you? I reluctantly said, yes. I was hoping he would get to know me better before telling him. But his observation beat me to the punch.
Yep you guessed it. He started talked. It was the phone call that all drag queens dread. Alonso broke up with me on the phone. Why? Because he was not comfortable dating a drag queen. I did not matter that I had not pending shows, or had an empty calendar for the last few months. He seemed confused because he thought I was genuine and really great. I was stunned. He didn’t understand how I could be just a regular guy and do” that’. I assured him, I am not a “that”. He tried to explain himself. I tried to polite but my mouth took over before my brain could senor it. I told him that was too bad. His feelings were valid, but it seemed a shame that he could not accept everything about me. Drag had been important to me though out my adult life. I would not change who I am. And any man who would be in my life would need to understand and support me if they expected me to understand and support who they are in return. I also follo9wed up with I am a great guy, too bad his limited mind could not see that. I was not mad. I was wounded. Alonso suggested that we might be friends. I told him, no thank you. I was looking for the man of my dreams…..I deserve to be happy. Good bye. Call ended.
My trip to visit my late partner turned out to be a release of emotions that had just erupted from my conversation with Alonso. I called my friend Jenn back, we talked and cried for a while on the phone. I eventually pulled into the parking lot of the Bowie Walmart. Jenn was so sweet and reassured me that this was just part of life. Not everyone is “the one” and it will be ok. She also kindly reassured me that someone better would come along. That is what friends are for. They tell you to smile, it will be ok. Even though they know you are hurting. I stopped at the Walmart to get some new silk flowers to take to the cemetery. I always feel out of place among the small town shoppers. But I picked out some yellow flowers. I thought the color would bright my mood and be a symbolic gesture to show how much I missed my late partner. Yellow is a happy color. I got back in the car, turned my music back up and drove out the cemetery. No sooner had I turned off the car, my eyes began to cry. My trip to the country cemetery quickly became an opportunity to let all my emotions out. I knew it was more than a coincidence; my inner voice had guided me to this place for a reason. During emotional moments this is the place I always imagine that I am. And today during my pain of rejection I felt I was in the right place at the right time. I got out of the car, and walked to the far end of the cemetery. I whispered as I walked. I clutched the flowers against me chest. I looked down to avoid stepping on some of the faded head stones in the old cemetery. The weather was nice and the wind and sun felt warm on my face. I saw the layer of dust covering the face of the head stone. I dusted it off with the heel of my hand. I plucked the weeds. I started to talk. And of course I continued to cry. Here I was again, single and feeling alone. The last time I was there, Scott and I visited together. Since then so much had happened. And now all the weight of the world is back on my shoulders. I put out the new flowers. I sat down on the grass. It was so quiet and the only noise was my own ramblings and the thoughts chasing me in my head. I continued to talk to GW. I asked him, why I was still here? And why no one saw the way he did? He was always loving and accepting of me. I lay on the ground to get as close to him as possible. I sobbed while the wind rushed over me. He once made me feel special. He loved me unconditionally. I miss that. He knew my flaws were just part of me. The painful scars of my life had healed, but were still part of me. He accepted them. This feeling of self-worth and value is something that have lost recently and struggle to keep trying to find. The years have beat me down and bad relationships have left a dent in my sense of wellbeing. I know this is where I am emotionally, but this is not where I am going to remain. This part of my journey because I deserve to be happy and I am holding on the thread of hope that someday I will have someone to share my happiness with…someone who thinks I am worth it. I walked back the car after a long good bye. I had made up my mind that once I was back on the road, I would continue to take control of my own life. It was ok to revisit my sorrow, but I need to keep going. I dried my tears and headed back home.
