It’s been several months
since I have written anything. I took a step back from a lot of
things including drag and friends. I had even created a simple Face book
account using my middle name. I deactivated my drag account for over a
month. I wanted to distance myself from my drag persona.
I need to work on the real me, I wanted to be a strong man not a weak
queen hiding behind the makeup. I used this time to work on
myself self-esteem and mental health. It was totally worth it. I
have to catch you up on my personal life. It was hard to face the facts
that Scott and I had broken up. I was so lost and need to find myself
again. Well I am here today to tell you, I am an amazing guy.
I am worth having and that there are other fish in the sea. I even
met a few. Each one saw what I was discovering. I am a great
guy, and the new found changes we shining through. I
was dating a great guy who seem to really care for me. We
would enjoy evenings together and dinner together. He was super sweet and
had even brought me flowers. We had gone to dinner one Saturday and
texted after I went back home. I was not surprised when my phone rang
late that evening. But it was not him. A number came up with out a
name. I was surprised and shocked. It was Scott's number. I
had worked so hard to put all that drama behind me and now he was calling
me late at night. I knew it had to be important.
I answered. It was late, but Scott asked how I was. I knew I was in a more solid state of mind
and had really worked hard to get there.
I replied, “fine. How are you” He
said he was fine too. I moment of
confusion came over me. He said I had
been on his mind and he wanted to make sure I was doing ok. I was more than Ok, I was whole again. That was nice of him to ask, but perhaps he was just easing his conscience
about the way he had broken my
heart. I kept my guard up. I had just gotten home from a date, it was
late and now my ex Scott was calling me.
A million things rolled through my mind.
We chatted for a few minutes.
Scott told me that I had been on his mind and he never stopped caring
about me. He also told me that he was
glad to hear that I as doing so well. He
could tell from my voice that I had finally found my strength; something that
he said was there all along. He also was
glad to hear that I had met someone new, although he seemed surprised. I was glad that I was able to handle our
conversation with our breaking into tears.
He also asked if I would be open to meeting, maybe we could talk and see
if we could be friends again. After all,
we were friends for many years prior to becoming romantically involved. I said yes, I could handle that at some
point. Scott interjected. “I’d like to see you tonight”. He continued,
“I’m on my way to your house now, I just exited on 183”. I did not know that during our conversation,
he was enroute to my apartment in Irving. Scott was only a few minutes I said
yes to seeing him, but had no idea that it was happening that night. I said ok and quickly wrapped up our
conversation. He would be there in
minutes. I threw on some shorts and a
t-shirt. I quickly moved the fresh
flowers of the dining room table and put them in the lower kitchen
cabinet. I didn’t feel it was Scott’s
business to he details of my current romantic interest. That guy had given flowers before our
date. I heard a knock, it was
Scott. He quickly gave me a peck on the
lips and a hug. I invited him into the
living room. We stood chatting for a
minute and then sat on the couch together.
It was a very awkward feeling. Scott was back in my apartment. I really thought he hated me. Or perhaps I was the worst mistake he had
ever made. Why would he want to by my
friend? There were so many issues
between us. These Issues drove him to walk out of my life. I had spent many counseling secessions trying
to come to terms with our failed relationship and broken view of myself. I was stronger by leaps and bounds. I knew
it. I was also happy just being myself
again. I was doing the things that make
me happy and honestly I was dating two other guys. None of them exclusively, I was not looking to jump in the sack with
anyone
He told me that he missed me, and that he was glad to see
that I was stronger. I missed him
too. I was reminded of the note in my
wallet. I had written it down and
carried it with me. It simply said, “no matter how much I love you, you were
not good for me” I meant it when I
wrote it. I had faced the fact that the
relationship we had was over, and It was not mentally healthy for me. I knew I loved him. That was the bottom line.
I had never stopped. I had other interest
with someone else. I needed to sort this
out for myself. Scott stayed the night
with me and we cuddled. It was very
special. Apparently he still loved me
too and we both did not know what that
meant. I was unsure of what to do. Scott and I spent Thanksgiving apart. He and
I called and text that weekend. I had
plans to see one of the guys I had met.
I was honest and told Scott. In
fact I think he was understandably jealous.
But why? After all he had walked
out on me, I did not owe him another chance.
How could I reconcile with someone
who hurt me so terribly. I had forgiven
him after that and found myself again. Other guys eager to date me and so was
Scott. I kept asking my self, what to
do. I wrestled with it for days. Unfortunately I would have to hurt someone I
cared about. I hated being the jerk. But
who would I choose. How do I decide. I felt it was best to spend a little time
with each. And then eliminate someone.
So I did. I tried to be as kind
as possible to tell guy number one, that I could not see him anymore. I really meant what I told him, that he was a
great guy. And I hoped that some new would come his way. I knew Scott was trying to patient. I was now down to two guys. Both had great qualities but my love for
Scott, outweighed everything else. I had to call the other guy and let him down.
I tried to be as honest as I could. I
also told him that our relationship had been great, and hoped someone new would
be the man of his dreams. I could never
be that because I was still in love with my ex, Scott. Yes, I had chosen to reconcile with Scott and
I knew it would not be easy. But Scott
was who I always wanted. When I said I loved him the very first time, I knew I
always would. That is just how my heart
works. We had our issues and deep down
were willing to work on it. It took some
time to see how much he had changed and how committed he was to making our
relationship work. I also used my new
inner strength too. I was finally seeing
the man I love emerge. I also tried hard
to be the man who was strong enough to handle our new relationship. Everything I been through had happened for a
reason. I accepted myself, I found my
inner strength, and realized that I was worth having. Scott also had grown as a person and his commitment
to our relationship was evident. We
continue to had ups and down but have never been happier. We also took an extended weekend trip to
Springfield Mo and Eureka Springs AK. It
was a great time, and it snowed. Eureka Springs looked like Santa’s
village. We also did some shopping while
we were there. We found some rings and
we discussed the idea of marriage. We
decided to honor our anniversary but getting married in April 2014. We had a new lease on love and a new engagement
to celebrate with our first Christmas together.
I was so happy to have him back in my life and even happier to see that no
matter how rocky things may get, Scott was here to stay. He told me that breaking up was not an option
anymore. I am looking forward to our ceremony
and reception. It will held in Dallas
and then we will fly to New York City to be legally married. PS...I threw that note away.
