I have been enjoying two month with a new special guy in my life. It has been a struggle to find a man who understand who I am, and accept my baggage. Baggage comes in many forms. I have held on to the things that once held sentimental value, kept emotional secrets and only in the last few years opened up to finding love again. I have found a really special man named Scott. At first I was very resistant to him. I was scared of being hurt. Each relationship I pursued previously was a disappointment. Often time’s issues built up and I was frustrated. Each experience taught me to refine my search and not settle for less. I fought my heart to remain open. I had even put my feelings in neutral at times. Scott has been an unexpected blessing. I see now why relationships didn’t work with others. Scott has all five S’s: Single, Smart, Sexy, Successful and Special. Some times, I think maybe he is out of my league. That is not necessarily true. All of these things I looked for in others were not there. They fell short. Now thankfully, Scott is a man worth having. And he sees the qualities in Me that are worth having too. I am worth having. . My insecurities are something I deal with. But as I get to know him more, we fit so well together. He is very understanding, caring, and patient. He enjoys many of the same things, and he listens to me when I talk. In fact he surprises me often when he recalls things that I have said or made reference in regard to my life and my childhood. He also enjoys hearing about how I see the world. He has even shared many things about his person life experiences that I feel have shaped him as a person. Scott and I were not strangers when we first “met” or re-connected. He and I have been aquatinted for about five years. He was in a previous relationship years ago that ended a few years ago. I had never considered Scott anything but a friend. I tell him that he had to” talk” me into it. That is not completely true. He just saw it first, and opened my eyes to new possibilities.
My heart changed and feelings about my friend grew into love. I smile when I think of him; he brightens my day and makes me so happy.
I ran into Scott by chance about six weeks ago. April 24th. It was a Wednesday. I went out to watch a pageant. I wanted to be around my friends. I had been through a tough break up with another guy I was dating. I was tired of staying home. That guy would not even admit that he was even dating me. Two months had passed and he rejected the idea of calling me his boyfriend. That hurt. He did not deserve me so I ended it. I used the time to refocus and let go. I had no idea that person I needed most was right in front of me. There are two entrances to the Roundup Saloon in Dallas. The front door is on Cedar Springs and a parking lot access door near the rear of the club. The Oaklawn area of Dallas is also referred to as the Gay-borhood. A majority of the residents and establishments are gay. I came in the back door. I knew where my friends would be. So I quickly made my way from the back of the place toward the front. They usually congregate in the same area of the clubs interior. I was high from smoking the joint that had been in my sock drawer for a while, but I knew where I was going. I walked to the u shaped bar to slam a few drinks and locate my friends. The Round Up has a dance floor that is lower than the rest of the bar and is accessible by stepping down a step. It makes watching an event, such as a pageant, better because everyone can see what is going on. I passed the side railing and saw my friend Scott. He had his arms folded and hands under his arms. He had been watching the pageant which had already started. He said “hey” and dropped one hand to tap my shoulder as I was passing. He said “hey how are you” I turned toward him and spoke as well. He was smiling and looked me up and down quickly. He said” well, you look good” and he smiled. I quipped back “shit, I’m sexy!” We both smiled as I continued though the crowd. Indeed I was looking good and felt confident that the clothes I had on showed off my recently weight loss and exercise regiment. I was happy with how I was looking and apparently Scott noticed too. I quickly turned to continue to the bar. The joint I had smoked in the car had mellowed out my mood and I wanted to have a drink to keep the buzz and high going. I smiled as I walked away from him. I always enjoyed a good pageant. Another friend was a contestant but he did not win. I was glad to have an evening out. I was miserable and a pageant would surely pull me out of the rut I was in. Scott and I have many of the same friends, so talking to him was easy the second time I saw him. I had chugged my two drinks, and talked to him as I was standing in a pack of mutual friends. We talked about the contest, and who we thought might win. We both had our favorites, but it was clear who the top girls were. At some point Scott asked if I wanted to go smoke in the patio. Why not, I had already smoked a joint, drank a few drinks so adding a cigarette to the mix was no big deal. I followed him outside.
We stood off to one side of the patio and began to light up. I was carrying the half pack of cigarettes I had brought with me. We talked. I remember he asked me what was new in my life. I just started talking. He seemed to follow every word I said.
He also inquired about my personal life. I had been through a string of frustrating and short relationships. Each one ended quickly but still painfully. I told this to Scott. In fact the last guy had me second guessing myself. Was I really so great? If so who didn’t any one notice it? I kept asking myself these questions. I had put effort into building my self esteem, career and physical appearance. I knew I was a happy person who was looking for someone special to share my life with. All of this frustration lead me to give up and say “no more”. I didn’t want anything from any one. I had even shared some personal health issues with Scott. He did not know until that night that had been fighting a long term illness but my health had finally improved in the last few months. I told him about my time in the hospital 6 months prior and how serious it was then. He is a great listener. It was nice to vent and have some one understand. After all he was no stranger; we had known each other for over five years. He continued to follow along and smile in a re assuring friendly way. I had no real idea what he was really thinking. We talked more and he asked in my phone number was still the same. In fact I have had the same number for many years, “Yep it sure is” I responded.
He asked if I might be interested and going to the International Jewelry Show at Market hall the following Saturday. He said he would text me the following day. I thought it might be fun, but I knew I had some things I needed to finish before committing to an after noon. He did invite me and I finally confirmed. I thought it might be fun, even thought I had no idea what it was about. Market Hall is in Dallas. This was a dazzling display of gems, jewelry, beads, accessories and minerals. For more than 44 years, the acclaimed International Gem and Jewelry Show has been bringing the largest selection of jewelry at the lowest prices to locations across the country. You can expect to find colored gemstones, exquisite fine jewelry, gold and silver earrings, necklaces and bracelets, beads and crystals, ethnic jewelry, classic pearls, vintage estate jewelry, rings, designer watches and one-of-a-kind seasonal pieces worldwide designers and manufacturers. It was a great afternoon that first started with breakfast. Then we ventured to the jewelry show. The entire day we shared conversation and a love of bling. I quickly learned to point out things that he might like. He seemed to enjoy being with e as much as I was enjoying spending time with him. I was out of my comfort zone, but was totally at ease. Scott had even purchased jewelry at one of the vendors. He put on the sterling rings and wore them home. I had even given my approval on things he picked out. He was so nice to pick me up at my apartment, treat me to breakfast and drop me off after a afternoon together. I had no idea what this after would mean at the time. He smiled and I smiled back when he dropped me off in the afternoon. I had a great afternoon.
I got home and quickly I began to feel my mind begin to wander. I text Scott and thanked him again for inviting my to the jewelry show. He had even surprised me with a gift. He bought two matched bracelets and had given me one when I got out of the car. I didn’t expect it, and it was a sweet gesture. I knew I would wear it and think of our afternoon. I tried to focus on house work. It was not long before I text Scott again. It was Saturday and it was one of the few times that I had no shows, or plans with friends. I asked Scott if maybe he might want to go to the Roundup. I knew Scott was fun to be with. He responded “like a real date?” I am not sure exactly what I said, but I was interested in having fun, and enjoying my Saturday night. I text back ”I guess so, I just want to have fun.” What followed took my breath away. And I paused as I read it. Scott expressed that he was fond of me and he enjoyed spending time with me as more than just a friend. And he was open to dating me, if I felt the same. I didn’t know what to think. We were only friends; I was not looking for anything, except friendship. I had kissed enough frogs and had not found a prince. So I stopped and put my feeling in neutral. I was done trying. Why the hell would he want me? I had been pushed aside for better, over looked and under appreciated by the wrong guys in the past. No one saw me as a good potential partner. And here was my friend, telling me that he was interested in me. I had put up many emotional walls. Also I told my self to stop “wanting” any relationship ever again. Little did I know that Scott had just pulled a brick from my ‘wall’ and it was about to come crashing down. We made plans for the evening. Scott and I had a great night at the Roundup that night. Once again, he picked me up and we rode together to the club. He was proving to be a gentleman. I remember standing together and having my arm around his waist. It was a moment that I will carry in my heart. He was dressed nice and smelled good too. I started to see my friend differently. Me hugging him and sharing a kiss seemed so right.
Visually he is a sexy man and I was finding it hard to resist him. I knew I was looking for more than the just the physical. Other, lesser men had never made it past my front door. I was not willing to jump into bed with anyone. At this point in my life, I was a Nun living alone in a convent. At one point I had even prayed for God to take the love from my heart, so that I would not have to worry about what was missing in my life. Scott had told me later that he was looking for true love not just a one night stand. He wanted more too. He had prayed to God for me. Everything I was as a man was soon checked off of his list. He felt he had found the man of his dreams too. (ME!) He understood when I told him, I wanted to wait be fore we made love. At times, I know I gave him mixed signals. Touching his body was hard for me not to throw my caution to the wind and head to the bedroom. But I held back because I was scared. The physical attraction was there, but would he respect and love me in the way that I wanted? Also could he handle all of my baggage, hang-ups and emotional walls? The pain of my past, left deep wounds on my heart and it would take a special man to understand that.
Scott and I began spending lots of time together. We would bounce back and forth from his place and mine. Each time, my feeling would grow stronger. I was learning to trust him, and open up my heart again. He charmed his way into my life with his honesty, understanding and caring nature. I felt safe when I was with him and it was nice to have some one make the effort for me. We were both at the right time in our lives. If we had re connected months prior, I do not think it would have happened at all. Scott and I continued to see each other, and I could tell in his eyes, that he loved me. I was not ready to say it. I could feel it in my heart and it scared me. I eventually had to let go and allow my self to say it out loud, if not I would risk losing the man of my dreams. He told me he loved me before we ever made love, or had ever seen me naked. It was obvious that the love was real and not clouded by just physical attraction. I was enjoying the closeness, holding hands and passionate kisses. The first time we made love was at my apartment. He seemed to respond to my touch and in turn it excited me more. Making love with Scott makes me feel special. He cares about my needs and he makes me feel sexy and masculine. He has also pushed me to explore new pleasures and let go of my own inhibitions that some times limit me. He has taught me it is not be ashamed of my body. The private moments with Scott are like nothing I have ever felt.
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| Scott and I in Dallas |
There have been embarrassing moments, which only he knows about. There have been arguments and heated discussions that we have had to work through. But I could never “un” love him. I fell for him hard. I love him with all my heart. Each thing we over come makes us a stronger couple. And he has pushed me to remain open and honest. Also he is not afraid question my motives or what thought are going through my head some times. Some times, I am in awe of my own hang-ups. I don’t think I will ever understand why he loves me so much, but he does. I am thankful for every day we share and miss him when we are apart. He and I are planning a future together and each has goals we want to accomplish. These goals will affect both of our lives and we know it is important to work together if we are to obtain our goals. That is what having an equal partner ship is about. It is our life. Not just mine or not just his anymore. The future is what we will make of it.
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