roller coasters are not fun

Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start

The last two months have been a roller coaster.  My relationship with Scott has ended.  I try not to portray him in negative light.  After all, I still love him. And I am sure it will take some time to get over this break up.  No matter how much I love him, he was not good for me.  I felt like I was compromising me self for the sake of a relationship.  I also felt that we had a different definition of love.  We obviously care about one another, but sometimes love is not enough. In the end, Scott was not happy and chose to move out.  He broke my heart and I let him go. 
Then I wrecked my car and I called him.  He was there for me. I really appreciated him.  We started to explore the possibility of a relationship again.  Then we broke up... again!  Apparently he was still not happy and so he dumped me again.  That is hard to admit because it hurts. He shredded my heart into a million pieces.  I never claimed to be perfect, but hoped he would over look my imperfections and realize how much I loved him.  I wanted to make him happy and thought it would be a long term relationship.  I feel foolish for opening my heart and having hopes. The future plans will never come to be now.  When I said I loved him, I meant forever.  I had kissed enough frogs in my life, and Scott was supposed to be my prince.  But once again, I need to let him go. 

I have had such a tough year.  Emotionally and physically the stress has been too much.  I have been seeing a therapist.  This is something I have never done before.  I am grieving the loss of my partner Scott and it had brought back the emotions of losing my first partner GW.  The circumstances are different but losing someone who I love has been overwhelming. I am going once a week and I am hoping that I will be able to cope with this loss and learn from the experience.  I feel broken and lost.  I need to find peace and sense of well-being.

1851 Club Arlington

I used to work shows in Arlington.  It was a fun little bar, but the biggest draw back as the physical building and lack of parking.  The bar in Arlington had been through a few different name changes, but had remained basically unchanged inside for well over ten years.  It was once called the 651 club, and then the six and most recently called the 1851 Club.  I was located at 1851 Division Street in Arlington.  I moved to Arlington in the fall of 2002 but really did not get involved in local shows until 2006.  I was recovering from my grief after the loss of GW.  And drag filled void in my life and gave me a hobby to focus on.  Up until that point I had only done guest “spotlight” appearances at the 1851 Club.  I had time to become a regular cast member and worked as part of the rotating weekend cast.  Each performer was unique with varying degree of experience. Each Friday or Saturday show consisted of three “gurls” plus the host of the show.  The four entertainers each did two numbers in the first set and then two more in the second set.  I could really express my range of talent at the 1851Club. I also learned a lot back stage.  I had four costume changes and each creative look pushed me to dress myself and style my own hair.  I notices most of the less experienced queen often wore the same wig, jewelry and even same shoes for every number.  I think part of this was due to economic limitations for these up and coming queens.  I could relate.  When I had first started years before, I too, had limited means and limited wardrobe. I knew what it was like to only have one pair of black shoes.  At the time I was working in Arlington, I had an extensive wardrobe and also the ability and with time to sew new costumes.  The shows gave me a place to fine tune my craft.  I was also to meet new people and some nights just laugh and party. That was what I needed in my life.  There were also many friends that I made at the bar in Arlington.  The MC of the shows was a big man, Called Stella.  Stella who wore short black curly wigs and she apparently painted in the dark.   He was not pretty and really it did not mater the audience. He was funny and very played the role of the comedian.  His character was not about looking good, or being real. It was about the farce of dressing up as a woman.  He spoke with a deep voice and walked like a dude.  This was his niche and it worked.  The audience never seemed to mind the fact that he always did the same songs and looked like someone’s dad in a dress.  I would joke back stage with him and often called him Uncle-Dad.  It was a reference to life in Arkansas, where some families are interbred.  Someone’s father could also be they’re uncle.  It was not uncommon for Stella to tease me about my hair or costumes.  It would bother me when Stella would just start talking to the crowd on the mic while I was performing my number.  I would walk over and tell her to politely “shut the fuck up”   It was never serious. It was funny banter.   After all she ran the shows and you should never piss of the “lady” in charge.  

Some of the friendship I made at 1851 have last for years.  Also winning Miss 1851 Club in 2006 was also helpful. I got to know a lot of people.  In fact they have not had the pageant since. So technically I am still Miss 1851.  I stopped booking there in 2009.  One friend Kiana  is now the host of the shows in Arlington.   Stella is no longer there.  I heard she has had some personal issues and does not perform anymore. Another friend, Caress Riata still continues to perform there.  She just won her place in drag history by becoming our new Miss Gay Texas State at large 2014.  We are now friends, and  now we are sisters.  I was so happy to see her enjoy her crowing moment in a pageant system that I hold dear to my heart.  The pageant system has already embraced her and I know she will do a great job this year. 

I have been thinking about going back to the 1851 club.  I was there recently to watch Caress in her show there.   It was great to know the staff there still knew me and the new MC, Kiana asked me if I would be interested in joining the cast again.  I was flattered and very interested.  It would be like starting all over again.  The crowd has changed and they are now in a larger building.  Actually they have a good location and more parking too. You don’t have to worry about hitting your head on the low ceilings like at the old bar.  I am confident that being a part of a show would be a boost in my confidence, and I would naturally win over the crowd in no time.  The last few months have been so tough for me. I have had so many issues in my personal life.    The hardest part about returning to Arlington is making myself do it.