music is not working today.

Well I have been sitting here working at my desk for several hours with my ear piece in. We can listen to music while we work.  Usually on a normal day, I enjoy music. My mind is scattered today.  But today the music is not really doing the trick to help me think.  In fact I dread hearing certain songs. Love songs are tough to hear, and special songs that are tied to memories and tough too. They make me feel emotions that are painful.  Instead, I skip over them and try to at least look for music to make feel better rather than cause me emotional discomfort.    I know this mental pain is just my heart telling me, “nope I cant deal with that today”  So I push those feeling aside or try to ignore they exist.  I wish there was a way to stop having emotions all together.  

My calendar for this month is full. Some shows have been better than others.   The one in Dallas was ok, but it was not my crowd.  I tried to give a good performance despite the uninspired crowd.  I did however enjoy being in Fort Worth last night. I had accepted the booking a few weeks ago.   I spent all day, working on some new costumes.  I also pulled out one of my old gowns and altered it to fit.  It was three sizes too big and has been hanging there, looking at me, for a while.  I also added more stones to it and did some minor repairs. I was a lovely purple gown. I ended up selling it to another girl after the show. I needed the cash more than I needed the dress.   I have never had so many friends say the word, stunning to me!  So I got my wear out of it.  That was a good feeling.  I needed it, since I’ve been in such a gray phase lately.  I think maybe all queen have ups and downs.  I was really enjoying being “Tomas” for a while and sporting a more masculine facial hair.  If I were not always in shows, I would rock that look all the time. I like they way I look with a mustache or goatee.    I also like the attention it brings.  Men, gay men, like that sort of thing.  I have to say, I like facial hair on a man.  But  it’s not a deal breaker. I also like the surprise I get when the transformation from Tomas to Mattie is complete.  I don’t think they look alike at all.  I always think, if people recognize you in drag…you are not doing it correctly.  In my experience, men tend to be repulsed by drag queens or feminine guys. I have always fought that stereotype.  Honestly, I don’t think I am fem or masculine.  I am just me, a gay man.  I am ok with that, and I enjoy being who I am, and not putting on a false image of overly masculine attitude.  I think many gay men struggle with self acceptance.  I finally got there and try not to lose that self understanding.  I also understand my personal preference to be the aggressive, dominate partner in the bedroom, is not defined by my wardrobe.  Some less secure men do not understand that division.  They assume I am passive and over look me because of my enjoyment of the art female impersonation.