my thought

I miss my Mom today.

a lost friendship

I had a few friends when I was in fourth grade.  It was a period in my life when I just discovering who I was, but still not sure what that meant exactly.  I enjoyed school and always looked forward to the summer.  My friend Michael lived four blocks away. We would walk to my house after school.  The intention was to ask my mom if I could go over to his house and usually it was a yes.  We would then continue to his house while laughing and talking. He would ride his bike, I would walk. Michael was an only child and we became friends in PE.  I enjoyed playing dodge ball and other school games. We seemed to be cool friends.  He also had two small dog named Cookie and Peanut. I always thought those were silly names.  They were fun to play with and I remember the jingle as they would run around his back yard.  Our dog had neither a collar nor tags.   His parents worked until the evening, so we could watch TV, play video games or listen to music. I remember hearing George Strait for the first time on the stereo.  He was so young and cute. But these were words I has was not ready to say out loud.    It was about 1983.  Michael had some cool video games.  It was the early 80’s, so there were only a few out. But he had them.  It was the first time I had ever played a video game.  I remember how the brown clucky box looked with two joy sticks connected by wires.  You would have to shut it off and get it to reset itself if it froze up.  The game console had four switches and you could play solo or against another player.  

 That seems like so long ago.  Michael would also watch cable including MTV and HBO.  Cable was something we didn’t have at my house.  I remember watching ‘Porky’s’, a secret I never told my mom. There was brief nudity and crude humor. She would have killed me.  For the most part the gags were funny, but I didn’t always understand the sexual humor. After all I was just a kid.  I was only about 9 years old.  My mom would have killed me if she knew.  She thought we were working on home work the whole time.  Michael’s Mom and Dad were nice people.  His dad was a former military, and worked as a city cop.  His mother was trained as a nurse, but worked as an EMT for the small city where we lived.  They had a nice modest home, much nicer than ours.  But still they were not home a lot. Michael spent a lot of time at home alone.   His dad loved to grill and often invited me to stay for dinner. I would always have to call my mom and ask permission. How embarrassing.   I remember my mom always telling me “a guest is a guest” and not to eat more than anyone else.  They are being polite by asking.  “Don’t over stay your welcome.”  His dad was also a scout leader and liked teaching Michael and I about outdoor stuff.   Camping and fishing are things I still enjoy, but don’t do very often anymore.  Michael’s mom also taught us first aid and we got badges from out scout troop. Michael was my friend for two years.  It was nice.  There were many days we would go exploring the woods on the edge of town or ride the back alleys on his three-wheeler.  That is another secret I never told my mother.  It was nice to be just a boy and have a friend who seemed to enjoy being my friend.  Michael and I would also play with his toys. Like many only children, he often played alone.  He seemed to have had so much:  toys from hot wheels to action figures to puzzles . He always had a new bike for his birthday.  I don’t think I ever had one of my own.  It seemed Michael had all these things but no one to play with.  I think about my own siblings. We had to make up our own games. We played together, because we were always together.   I some times wanted to be like Michael.   Surely it could not be that bad.  Nice parents, your own room, great toys,  free roam of the house every day!  My house was the exact opposite!   Cramped, old, lots of noise, few toys, and just regular parents. My dad was not a cop nor my mom a nurse.  My dad was a laborer and my mom was a cook.  Still it was nice to be Michael’s friend and enjoy things I did not have at my house.  Michael and I would laugh and talk and just be buddies.  But sadly things changed as we entered junior high.  I don’t really know why.  Maybe as we matured our interests changed. I played in the band. Michael got involved in sports, especially foot ball.  In Electra, football was a community activity.  It would only be a few more years; the Electra tigers would win the 1985 state championship. 

Michael and I graduated together, but were not friends in high school.  Michael was involved in athletics and hung with the jocks.  I was a band geek and hung with the other geeks.  Plus I was starting to figure out who I was as a gay man.  So the tendency for me was not to draw attention to my self.  I was not ready to be out.   Jocks and gay band nerds don’t really interact.  I don’t know why, but maybe he just knew I was different.  I was not interested in him, but truly enjoyed being friends.  Nothing more. I think that is hard for teenage boys to understand . Being gay, does not mean you can not have platonic friends of the same sex.  I have many coworkers and male friends who are straight. They are attractive, but I am not attracted to them.  I have become more secure in my manhood and my life as I have gotten older.  I find the more people I interact with, the more accepting I am to differences.  But just for the record, I still don’t hang with the jocks.  Not because I’m gay…but because I don’t like football.

music is not working today.

Well I have been sitting here working at my desk for several hours with my ear piece in. We can listen to music while we work.  Usually on a normal day, I enjoy music. My mind is scattered today.  But today the music is not really doing the trick to help me think.  In fact I dread hearing certain songs. Love songs are tough to hear, and special songs that are tied to memories and tough too. They make me feel emotions that are painful.  Instead, I skip over them and try to at least look for music to make feel better rather than cause me emotional discomfort.    I know this mental pain is just my heart telling me, “nope I cant deal with that today”  So I push those feeling aside or try to ignore they exist.  I wish there was a way to stop having emotions all together.  

My calendar for this month is full. Some shows have been better than others.   The one in Dallas was ok, but it was not my crowd.  I tried to give a good performance despite the uninspired crowd.  I did however enjoy being in Fort Worth last night. I had accepted the booking a few weeks ago.   I spent all day, working on some new costumes.  I also pulled out one of my old gowns and altered it to fit.  It was three sizes too big and has been hanging there, looking at me, for a while.  I also added more stones to it and did some minor repairs. I was a lovely purple gown. I ended up selling it to another girl after the show. I needed the cash more than I needed the dress.   I have never had so many friends say the word, stunning to me!  So I got my wear out of it.  That was a good feeling.  I needed it, since I’ve been in such a gray phase lately.  I think maybe all queen have ups and downs.  I was really enjoying being “Tomas” for a while and sporting a more masculine facial hair.  If I were not always in shows, I would rock that look all the time. I like they way I look with a mustache or goatee.    I also like the attention it brings.  Men, gay men, like that sort of thing.  I have to say, I like facial hair on a man.  But  it’s not a deal breaker. I also like the surprise I get when the transformation from Tomas to Mattie is complete.  I don’t think they look alike at all.  I always think, if people recognize you in drag…you are not doing it correctly.  In my experience, men tend to be repulsed by drag queens or feminine guys. I have always fought that stereotype.  Honestly, I don’t think I am fem or masculine.  I am just me, a gay man.  I am ok with that, and I enjoy being who I am, and not putting on a false image of overly masculine attitude.  I think many gay men struggle with self acceptance.  I finally got there and try not to lose that self understanding.  I also understand my personal preference to be the aggressive, dominate partner in the bedroom, is not defined by my wardrobe.  Some less secure men do not understand that division.  They assume I am passive and over look me because of my enjoyment of the art female impersonation. 

My sisters wedding

I wrote this before my sisters weding and completed it days after. 

My sister is getting married in a few days.  I knew this day would come. Now it is here.  She met Ronald about four years ago and has lived with him and her girls for quite some time now.  It has sometimes been strained, but last year they set a date.  I take a deep breath and reflect on all they have had to deal with over the past few years.  Anita is my younger sister.  She has been in Oklahoma City now, for 14 years.   She still tells people, “I’m not from here” . I find that funny, because I some times rely on that same phrase when people ask me about places in Dallas/Ft Worth.  

I have been here since the end of 2002.  I always thought Dallas was too big with too much traffic.  The people there have a selfish with big city attitude. ( It took a while to sort through those people and find good people. Those are the friends who are important.)   Sadly, rude people are out there. There is a lot of that here.  I see it everyday in my morning commute.  I probably cuss people from the privacy of my own car everyday.  My biggest pet peeve is not using a blinker or cars cutting in and out of traffic like they are entitled to special privileges.   But like everything in my life, I have adapted.  I’m sure other drivers have seen me as a jerk once or twice.  Although I never mean to be. 

Oklahoma is a lot different from Dallas/Ft Worth.  I lived in OKC for less that a year back in 2000.  I left my job and apartment and tried to see what life had in store for me there.  Anita, my sister let me live with her while I looked for a job. I had a twin bed in the corner of her second bed room. I also moved with a few small pieces of furniture and clothes.  And some boxes of drag of course. I had a rough break up with an ex and it was time to move on. A trip to the ER was all it took for me to be done.   I got rid of things I did not need or want.  I had parted with the stuff I had collected during my single years just prior.  Anita had two toddlers, my nieces. One was till in diapers. They were so cute and funny.  And they just grew up knowing about my dressing in drag for shows and pageant. Toddlers don’t question that kind of stuff. They knew even before they knew what it was. They thought I was a singer at a club or some thing. I found a job in Choctaw, working for a group home there.  I didn’t really like it but needed a job so I did it.  I only worked there about two months. I never put it on my resume.  Then I got a better job in down town.  I worked for a large hotel in downtown OKC.  I liked OKC. I was single and needed friends in my new city. I made some friends there and a few new drag friends too. I even dated a guy who would later become just a friend.  In fact I don’t think I even kissed him.  Some times that happens.  It was never anything more than two friends having fun.  He struggled with his own life and was in love with some one else.    I did drag at night and worked during the days.

My sister, Anita also worked for the same hotel.  I worked in the banquets department and Anita worked the hotel‘s upscale restaurant.  We worked together, but not in the same department. She also went though a tough break up with Leon, the father of her two daughters during that year.  They had their reasons. Anita was not happy. Eventually Anita and I decided rent a small house on the east side of the state capital.   This was the predominately black area of the city. We worked and split the bill, even though she worked more hours than me.  I would take the bus to work and then walk home at night. It was not very safe. I had gotten assaulted once and harassed often. There were times I would cry on my way home. My car had gotten repossessed because I could keep up the payments. I would also get rides from coworkers when I could.  I would eventually buy another one for cash.  I had that car for the next two years. 

Me with my three neices, Areona, Breona, and Cameron

me- The day of Anita's wedding

During those months I was still seeing GW.  He was living in Wichita Falls and I was in OKC. We had met at a New Years Eve party. I was dating other guys but never told him,  he would be eventually the only man I wanted in my life.   It was one of the few secrets I kept from him.  The other guys never amounted to anything serious. He was always on my mind.  I saw him as often as I could. I was trying to make it in OKC. I was working and doing shows. I had also started to sew.   My drag was slow at first.  No one really knew who I was plus the city girls were so far ahead of where I was in costuming and makeup. I was an amateur.  But over the months I used each set back as motivation trying harder at my art form.  I was only 24 and knew that drag was something that I loved doing.  GW and I continued to date and eventually, my heart would lead me back to Wichita Falls.  Yes, we had fallen in love and I wanted nothing more than to be with him. Even if that meant living in Wichita Falls again.  It was in Aug of 2000 that I left all my new friends, my sister and my home in OKC. I moved back to Wichita Falls.  I knew that being with GW was the right thing for me.  Anita was also expecting her third child in November of 2000.  GW, my mom and I would come back when she did.  I remember, GW was the most supportive man and my family loved him. From the beginning, he was part of  US, as a family.  That was important to me.  I have a picture at home that GW took of me, my mom and Anita and her new baby. I look at it today and its awesome to see what he saw. Like have a snapshot from his memory.  He was the eye behind the camera.  GW was there for many family moments, and I tried to be there for some of his family moments too.  It was strained relations with them.  Having a partner to share holidays and birthday and tragedy was all part of a relationship. I always wanted to marry GW, and sadly that dream never came true.  It left me feeling like I was not worth having.  That was an issue I wrestled with for years.  I once had a man who loved me, but would not make a commitment to me in front of God and our friends and family.

I have been to seven wedding in my life.  That seems depressing.  I have seen friends and family marry and enjoy their special day. Maybe I’m a selfish idiot, who is having trouble letting go of my own issues.  I had a year to find a date to the wedding.  But I did not. I want to be there for my sister, because she has a good man in her life. And they have struggled to stay together and build a good life.  I will not go to anymore weddings after this one.  I decided that just now.   I guess it is all too much for me.  Anita and I talk a lot about love and relationships, friendships and family issues.  I know I can trust her with the secrets of my heart.  Her wedding is the last one I will go to.