reminder to self

I just wanted to post a quick reminder of who I am.  I know I post a lot of pictures of myself in costumes and makeup, but have no fear.  I am just a man acting out a part.  Like most actors, this is my role of a life time.  I am not, nor do I wish to be female.  Oh no.  In fact I remember a quote” this is far too much trouble to go through everyday”.  I am a Latino guy, who is not too fat. I’m 6ft tall.  I’m in the 35-40 yo range.  I enjoy spending time with family, I enjoy traveling, camping, antiques, movies and reading about history.  I like music, but not all.  Not too much country and not a fan of rap.  In many ways, my life feels normal.  I work a job, try to keep up with my bills, and have good friends who care about me.  I have goals in my life, that I want to achieve.  Sometimes I have to remind my friends, that I am a guy under all that heavy makeup.  I even recently discovered that I enjoy basketball.  I am finding out things about my self all the time.  I enjoy being me. 
And no, My real name is not Mattie...or matthew,  that is all just a stage name. And I use that name Mattie Madison in the label of my sewing creations.  In fact I would not like a guy I dated to call me that, outside of a drag show.  It would be too weird.  I hope the man of my dreams will call me by my given name.  I want him to know the real me. 

Queen amoung queens

I recently discovered the memoir of Rachel Wells.  She is my new inspiration.  In fact, I have started reading it again.  I have never done that before.  It got me thinking of some of the Miss Gay Amricas that I knew or have met over my years in drag.  I made a list.

Rachael Erricks: I met Rachel when I moved to OKC in 2000.  She was working at Angles and was involved in pageants.  I was new and started entering pageants in order to gain experience and exposure in my new city. Rachel booked me as a guest spot in her shows on sun nights.  She was great to work with.   Rachel was Miss Oklahoma in 1994.  She had competed at Miss Gay America several times, and she I was so happy when she finally won.  She was always a pro.  She had a goal and worked hard to achieve it.  She has my love and respect. I had made a costume for a one of her shows.  She gave me the nick name “crafty sue”.

Sabrina White-  I did not know too much about Sabrina until she was already Miss America.  I saw pictures of her.  She looked stunning in gown.  She made a point to support all of the other national pageant systems.  She gave me a head shot and signed it for me.  I was surprised to read the dedication.  She already knew my name and wished me good luck at my upcoming appearance at Miss Gay USofA at Large.  I had just won Miss Oklahoma At Large. Wow, I thought.  She knew who I was.  She was a great Miss Gay America.

Hot Chocolate- I met hot Chocolate in Dallas about 10 years ago.  She was a special guest in the Rose Room.  She was very entertaining and the crowd roared for her.  I met her back stage, a true professional, and super friendly.  Another legend. 

Patti LaPlae Safe-  I have worked in several shows with Patti.  She is involved in Dallas area charity fund raising ventures.  I met her originally about 8 years ago, at the MGA contest in Little Rock.  She was a former  MGA and spent time backstage coordinating the dressing room and acting a liaison during the pageant.  I was there as a back up dancer for a friend who was competing.  She has also judged me when I competed for Miss Gay Texas last year.  I did not always agree with her opinion, but I always respect her for her honesty. She is a tough judge.

Charity Case- The first time I saw Charity Case was in the old Rose Room.  She was a guest entertainer.  I was very new and it was one of the few times I had ever seen a real show.  She is a plus size person, and I remember thinking, wow, it is good to see some one more like me, up there.  We are not all built like Maya Douglas. Charity was also the liaison for Miss Gay Texas the first year I competed.  It was 2002.  I have respect for Charity.  She worked hard for a lot of years before becoming Miss Gay America.  She is very friendly and supportive of other girls. 

Victoria Depaula-  I had seen Victoria compete several years before stepping up to Miss Gay America.  She always had class.  She had a drive and flair that help her reach her goal.  She was very nice and professional when she came to Texas for our state pageant.  She was known for her creative competition  talents. She did Wicked for talent with flying moneys and all when she won MGA.  She loved my Hair Spray talent that I did at Miss Texas that year.  She was also glad to see me place 2^nd alt to Miss Gay Texas that year.  She pushed me to keep going,

Tasha Kohl-  I saw a video tape of Tasha about ten years ago.  The tape was from 1985.  She was a legend in her day.  She was lives here in Ft. Worth, but is not a regular performer any more.  I heard she books large shows a couple of times a year.  I saw her advertised on a gay cruise ship tour.  I met her in person one night at Best friends club in Ft worth.  I was introduced to Kohl by a friend.  I had no idea it was the leagendary Tasha Kohl.  She was very handsome as a man.  Once I was told who he was, I felt like an idiot for asking so many questions.  He took it all in stride.  I was honored to meet him and talk to him.  I most recently worked in a show with him in Ft Worth.  He was very friendly and remembered my from the first time we met.  It was a dream come true to work with a legend.

Rachael Wells-  Rachel was MGA 1979.  I have a special relationship with Rachel Wells.  I read her memoir and felt compelled to write to her.  And guess what happened, he wrote back.  It was my ‘julie and Julia’ moment.   He does not perform as Rachel anymore.  His story of life and pageants is an inspiration.  I love Rachel Wells.  My goal is to meet him one day soon.  Even if I have to drive to Kentucky. 

Catia Lee Love- Catia is another one of my Oklahoma girls. She was from Tulsa.  In fact if my memory serves,  I has in OKC when she stepped up as Miss Gay Oklahoma.  She passed me in the hallway of the hotel and everyone said she was the one to beat that night.  It took a few more years for her to Win MGA, but it was a great day when she did.  She truly deserved to win.  You don’t know how humble you beginning can be until you worked drag in Tulsa of all places.  It is not Las Vegas.  But Catia is professional who could make it anywhere. 

Finding Rachel Wells

I have not been able to update my blog this week.  I have been extremely busy with work, plus I made a new/old friend.  I was clicking around on the internet earlier this week.  My goal was to catch up on some drag gossip and find out who the new winner were from the MGA website.   For those who don’t know, the Miss Gay America web site is excellent for reading about other state, regional and national pageants.  I enjoy seeing who is competing this year. 

Rachel Wells MGA 1979

I came across a link to a most interesting web page.  It was written by Mr. JR Greenwell.   Some how,  by fate. I had found Rachel Wells memoir.  It was the name of a legend.  Rachel was Miss Gay America 1979.  Her story was one I didn’t know too much about. I have video of her in a pageant from 1985.  My information was limited until I read her memoir.  To be honest, it was long and fascinating.  Rachel’s story was about her rise from humble drag beginnings in the Atlanta area.  She told of her trials and struggles.  Her story spoke to my heart.  I felt her pain in the loss of her identity. She said it was hard living two lives with only one body.  The memoir was a stunning look into the history of gay men, female impersonation and life in Atlanta.  I managed to find an email to Mr. Greenwell.  He is the artist formally known as Rachael Wells. I sent him a personal email thanking him for his story.   He is a bit older and lives in Ky.  The ending potion of the book made be cry.  He ended by telling of his last performance as Rachael Wells and how it was time to finally let the persona go.  He made his own personal tribute to her.  He also concluded with a final statement.  “Life was good, even without a tiara on my head.” 

http://jrgreenwellmga79.com/index.html

I want everyone I know to read this memoir.  There are pictures on the web page and also more of Mr. Greenwell’s play and articles.  Also I received a reply back from Mr. Greenwell today. He was warm and friendly in his reply.  I thought about posting it, but it was personal.  I dont think I could.  I hope to someday meet him in person. I know I would cry if I ever did.   I would love to keep in touch with him.  But I am sure to him, I am a stranger.  His life has touched mine.  And Rachel Wells legacy will forever be part of history. 



calendar

I was looking at my calendar today.  I use it to try and keep up with my bills.  Also it is great for tracking my events and appearances.  I realized that Sunday will be father’s day. 
I do not have plans to celebrate my dad’s life nor do I have children who will call me.  I know many gay fathers who enjoy their children from  past relationships.  My dad died in 2005.  I did not even know he was sick. He was 75 when he died.  He had a long life.  He had lived through many hard times and raised 6 children with my mom.  My dad was born in 1929 in Robert Lee Texas.  I have never been there.  He was raised during the depression.  He said he didn’t know what a depression was.  His family was poor before, during and after the depression.    My grandparents were farmers.  They worked on another mans land for many years but eventually found work as migrant workers.  They would travel with seasons, working where there was work to be done.  My dad was the second of 11 children born to Armando and Guadalupe Trevino Flores.  Because they were poor, the whole family worked.  They had to in order to survive.  They were no real laws back then about child labor. Plus they were unregulated farm workers, who would care.  My dad and his brothers grew up fast.  There was not much of a child hood for them.  My dad said he went to school until about 6^th grade.  Then he had to work.  He became a man quickly.  He started smoking at 13 and continued all his life.  I don’t know too much about they type of work, other than it was hard.  When my dad was about twenty he started looking for work outside of the family.  The country was still recovering from the depression and some how my dad got a cash job running moonshine.  He told it like something out of a movie.  He said he was just a driver. He didn’t really know the people he worked for.  He just knew the contact people.  I assume it was better not to know too many details. It was illegal yet profitable.  It was best to make the run and get your money.  My dad married late in life.  He was 40.  My mom was 18.  It seems crazy.  My dad was working and living in California.  He became friends with another man he worked with.  This man would be my grandfather.  The didn’t like my Dad and mom dating.  There was a big age difference between them. Even today, it would be considered out of the norm.  But in 1969, the two wed.  They moved to Texas together and started a family.  My dad took a job working for an oil field supply company in a small town.  My dad was a father  for the first time in 1971, when my oldest sister was born.  My brother was born in 1973, then I was born  in 1974. Three more sisters would follow me.  He would always be mistaken for my grandpa.  I never knew what it was like to have young dad.  I would see all the other fathers coaching a sports team or volunteering for my elementary school.  My dad was always working.  My dad even worked a part time on the side for the man who owned the supply company.  That man was rich, and had a large new house and many acres farm land.  My dad would work at that the rich man’s farm in the evening and weekends.  As my brother and I got in to our early teens, we too would work along side my dad on the rich man’s farm.  The rich man would pay my dad extra if we boys worked with him on projects.   (Also just to mention, my mom worked cleaning house for the rich man’s wife.)  We grew up poor, but my parents bought a house in town.  I remember my Dad and my uncles, fixing it up and painting it for us to live in.   It was a small house, but it was our home.  My dad was not the perfect dad.  In fact he had issues with alcohol and domestic violence.  I know all the stories of his bad deeds in life.  They were some rough stories.  But he is gone now and I feel it is better to forgive him and see the positive things he did for us.  He loved us the  only  way he knew how.  To him a loving father was a provider, a teacher and a rock of strength. That was the dad I knew.   All of the caring and nurturing I learned came from my mother.  I chose to remember the positive characteristics about my dad.  Happy Father’s day. 

Spain, Vegas and sea sick queens

It is hard to write a blog.  You have to come up with an idea of what you would like to say.  Some of my posts are just stories that come to me, as my day goes on.  I really don’t have a master plan to what interesting thing I will talk about next.  So far it has really been a creative outlet for me.  I can put as much effort into it as I want. I am not sure if anyone really reads it.  I am guessing just a handful of friends, and I know one family member of mine.  Hello, is any one out there reading this….

Today I started thinking about all the things I have not done.  These are not absolute dreams, just things I would like to do.  Be that as it may, I would like to travel. Maybe some place foreign.  I watched a movie recently about a woman who went to France.  She fell in love with the food and spent several years of her life there.  You never know what your going to love, until you get there.  I would consider a trip to France, or even better Spain!  My mom told me her Grand father, who I never met, was from Spain.  A trip to Spain would be nice.  I am not the sort to go looking for long lost relatives or anything.  I just want to go see the beauty of the country.  Ideally I would like to go with a boyfriend.  Only problem is I don’t have one.  I would also like to go to Las Vegas.  I used to think that it would be fun.  I enjoy the thrill of gambling, and if there is anyplace in the world that needs some of my dollars, it’s Vegas!  I know that it is likely that I will lose, but I just want the experience.  Plus there are so many things to do there. I could go to a concert or show.  I would  make a fun trip of it.  Only problem with this plan,   I don’t have the money.  They would check my pockets at the airport and make me go directly back home.  I would also like to go on a cruise.  I could book a 4 or five day cruise to the Caribbean.  It would be fun to see the ocean, and some of the sea ports.  I hear that there is many things to do onboard.  It is almost like a mini-city.  Again, the experience would be relaxing and fun.  I want a grown up cruise, no family cruises for me.  No sir.  I am allergic to children.   Also a gay cruise is meant to be more ideal for gay people, but who want to see a bunch a sea sick queens, and dirty old men in Speedos?  Gross.  Some gay people tend to be even more flamboyant and dare I say “gaily annoyingly” when grouped together. Clucking like a hen party.  It can be a bit much.  Plus I would look like a beached whale in a Speedo. 

be a class act

I was reading someone else’s blog. ( yes I can read.)  It was written by a drag queen in Ohio. Apparently she was rejected by the Rupaul show.  She was not happy about it. Really? Being on a show like that is not the end of the world.  She wanted badly to get what she deserved in life.  She was sarcastic and brassy and her blog read like a night at a cheap drag show.  One liner after one liner.  I was a little offended.  It was like a B version of funny.  Her potty humor made drag queens seem bitter, mean and rude.  Every night in bars and club across the country, these types of queens exist. They are bad stand up comedians, while wearing bad clothes, bad make up and bad hair.  Every city has their local bar wenches.  They think a vulgar attitude is going to make them popular. Well, Miss Nobody In Ohio, it seems you have already gotten what you deserve…  A whole bunch of nothing.   Why? Because you have no class.

We all have choices in our career.  We can choose to be mean, rude and catty. That is a stereotypical drag queen that every one is familiar with. Or we can be a class act.  I have never tried to make my money by conforming to what other thought a drag queen was supposed to be.  I really feel to be a success, you have to be able to look behind you and see the impact you have made.  I sometimes have to remind my self of this.  I saw it this past weekend.  I competed in a pageant here locally.  I pulled it all together and was the winner.  Being the winner was not the true success that night.  I could see the crowd was no longer a nameless group that clapped. It was my friends who appreciated me. They cheered and genuinely applauded my efforts.  I try to conduct myself with class.  I work hard at my craft.  I respect others who do the same thing. We are all people under all the costumes and face paint.  It is better to measure a queen by the size of her heart.  If a queen has not heart in what she does, she is just a man playing pretend.

Good Friends

Why does everyone leave me?  Good friends are hard to find. I moved to DFW in the fall of 2002.  My husband and I moved to Arlington so that he could pursue his masters degree in Social Work. He worked very hard and finished his degree in a year and half.  I was very proud.  We did not know people in Arlington, so we kept to ourselves.  We worked very hard to move forward in life. We had even looked at a house in another suburb.   But our plan changed when he got sick with cancer. (That is a story that I will share later. It is very painful.)  He could no longer work and we stayed in that apartment until his death. We had the same apartment there for almost three years.  By apartment standards, that is a long time. Through it all, I had just a few friends from my work. I was not really doing drag at that time.  I was focusing on being a husband and friend to my dyeing spouse.  My friend Adam was there.  He was the first person I called when GW died.  I was crying so hard and my mind was a blur.  He even took me to the funeral home to make the arrangements. His friendship was a true comfort. It was a hard time in my life.  Soon after, Adam moved. He now lives in Corpus Christi TX. He and his partner got married last year.  We still talk, but I miss my good friend. He always made me laugh. 

A few months later, I moved to Keller Texas, just north of Fort Worth.  My job was going good, and I felt I should move closer to it. Plus I was in mourning and wanted to make a change.  Living close to work would save me from the 45 minute commute.  I also started going to the bars in Fort Worth.  There was one called the Stampede.  It was a small country bar. I liked it there.  I met a young guy, who became my friend.  Vincent.  He lived in the same area of the city.  We would hang out at the bar, and soon started having lunch and hanging out.  He worked for a large restaurant in the heart of downtown.  His job gave the opportunity to move to Houston. They were opening a new restaurant there and they needed experienced staff.  So again, another dear friend left me and moved.  We still talk often.  I miss him like crazy.

Then came Ginger.  She and I met though a mutual friend.  At first, her intense energy made me a little crazy.  I try to be very low key, and Ginger is very high key!  She is like Miss Sunshine.  It was not a calm ‘hey how are you’…it was a exuberant and loud “hey there, I’m ginger. We were talking about you just the other day” followed by a hug.  It turned out that we already knew the same people.  With in a few months, I moved to Irving. The same city Ginger-Snapps was living.  That’s my pet name for her.  (There is a song and dance that go with that name but it’s best to keep that one to myself.)  Ginger was the mom of two teenagers.  She had been happily divorced a few years before we met.  Her kids are out on their own now.  And Ginger got married last year to a man she knew when they were kids. It was a sweet story of friendship and then love.  And guess what, yep. She moved back to her hometown of Shreveport.  It hurt to see another friend move away.  I was glad to see her last weekend.  She came to town to visit.  And just FYI. I blame the entire city of Shreveport for taking my G-snapps away. 

I have managed to continue living in DFW area for over 5 years by myself.  And good friends are hard to find.  And then yesterday, another good friend confided in me that he and is partner may move to Colorado in about 6 months.  You think I would be used to this.  But it still hurts.  My way of dealing with it, is not to worry about it today.  I’ll worry about it in 6 months.   Maybe I will call ahead for the best uhaul rates when ever I make a new friend.  It saves money to book ahead.

four quarters

I had four quarters in my pocket today.  I took them out and looked at the year date.  New quarters have a state logo and the year is on the back.  These were all the old kind.  The year is right under Washington’s head. The put them in order by age, oldest first.

The first quarter from my pocket was from 1985. I was a kid in 1985, but I remember it. I was 9 years old.  Coca Cola changed its formula and releases New Coke in 1985. The response is overwhelmingly negative. The original formula was back on the market in less than 3 months.
I remember the Chicago bears won the Super bowl played on January 26, 1986 at the Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans, following the 1985 regular season. The Chicago Bears won their first Super Bowl by defeating the New England Patriots, 46–10. The Bears set Super Bowl records for sacks (eight) and fewest rushing yards allowed (seven). The Bears' 36-point margin over the Patriots was a Super Bowl record until Super Bowl XXIV (45). The Bears defensive end Richard Dent was named the game's Most Valuable Player. Under head coach Mike Ditka, who won the 1985 NFL Coach of the Year Award, the Bears went 15-1 in the regular season, becoming the second NFL team to win 15 regular season games.

Football was a big deal in our small town.  It still is, especially in Texas high school football.  We had a great team for years in my home town.  The town would close up on Friday nights because everyone was at the game.  In 1985, Electra Tigers won the class 2A State Championship.   Electra Tigers Vs Groveton Indians.  I will never forget it.  We played at UTA Stadium  in Arlington TX.  I was there.  Our family traveled to Arlington for the game. It was my first trip to a large urban area.  Our town was only 3000 people.  It was all I knew. I did not understand how you could live in a city that was so big, that every one was a stranger.  Back home, we knew everyone in town.  Who would have thought that 20 years after this event I would live just miles from UTA in Arlington. 

The next quarter in my pocket was from 1991.  I was a freshman in high school in 1991. I was a dork, and didn’t even know it. I am talking big dork.  I was a good student, I looked up to my older siblings, and did my best in school.  I had dreams of going to college, and having a quote-unquote normal life.  I knew nothing of a gay people or myself being gay.  I was not even aware of it.  1991 was just school and working with my dad on the weekends. 

My next quarter from my pocket was dated 1995.  In 1995, I was a freshman in college.  I had gotten accepted into a  large music conservatory in Boston, but like an idiot, I backed out.  I decided to attend the local university instead.  I was not ready to be out on my own, and the thought of leaving my family scared me. It was a good school.   So there I was in college. I was living in the dorms, and hated it.  The dorms were mostly the jocks.  I was a music geek, we truly had nothing in common.  I made friends with the other music majors in the Fine arts department.  They would come rescue me from the dorms and we would hang out in the Student center.

The last quarter is from 1997.  A lot has changed since 1997.  In 1997 I was working my first real job.  I worked for the state high way department.  I worked there for three years. It was a great job, but hard work.  I was hired, because I had office experience and college hours, plus I was strong and young and could be used where ever I was needed.  If you are flexible, then you can be valuable to the company.  I continue to utilize this at my current job too.  In 1997 I was living on my own; I had bought and paid for my second car on my own.  I was 23 and really enjoyed being single.  As far as drag, I won my first pageant in 1997. Miss Gay Hispanic Amarillo.  My good friend Joe was living in Amarillo, and told me about a pageant. I packed my one good dance costume and my Dillard’s gown and off I went.  I was nervous.  I competed and won.  The local girls there were pissed.  In fact, my friend was packing my stuff in the dressing room, during the crowning ceremony.  He knew those ugly bitches would be bitter,  And he was right.  I drove the four hours back to Wichita Falls with my first crown on my dash.  It was beautiful.  1997 was a good year.