Time to start again!

This will be read aloud before my closing number at the pageant:    

It is with a heavy heart that I complete my rein as Miss Gay Texas State at Large 2012.  It has been an amazing journey.  I am happy that I made it to the end.   In the beginning of my career I came from nothing.  At times, I felt like no one.  But somehow I have made a life for myself. All of the successes and failures of life have led me here tonight.   Everyone deserves to find a place where they can be a star.  I feel lucky to be a part of such a great group of people. The Miss Gay Texas State Pageant organization is a unique blend of pageant and community support. I wish them continued success!

I want to thank my Fort Worth Gay Community who supported me when I first started working shows locally.  I developed lasting friendships.  FORT WORTH is truly the home of the best fans ever!

Thank you to Best Friends, Rainbow Lounge and Reflections.  The clubs in Fort Worth have always been kind to me.  They allowed me a place to perform, and a place to gather with friends. Thank Randy Norman for your friendship.

I would like to thank Natasha and Paul Parson.  They have been special people in my life.  Thank you traveling the pageant circuit this year.  Thank you for the support you give to Miss Gay Texas State pageant system.  I love you! 

I would also want to thank Madison Deveroux for always listening to an old queen and her problems. Your friendship has been a blessing.  You are beautiful and genuine.  I adore you.  Many thanks to you and Russ. He is a great guy.

Thank you to Kelly O’Neil for the many years of true friendship. Meeting you completely changed my life!  I still believe that.  You became a friend when I didn’t have one.  You have always been a phone call away. I am happy to see you enjoy your own success.  You deserve only the best. I love you and Matt so much.   

John Grinstead thank for your friendship.  You have become a person who truly see me: The person behind the makeup.  Not everyone does.   I appreciate your kind words and understanding smile. You are a good man.

I wish to say thank you to Bryan Long for the great head shots! 

To Kristen Paige, WOW…WE MADE IT!  Thank your for friendship and I wish you all the happiness in the world.   I love you girl. It has been a pleasure working with you.  You did a tough job.  You have my respect. 

To Amber Diva Daniels and Brittney Brooks, I owe a huge thank you for your friendship and motivation last year. You were great promoters.  I would never have considered competing again, but you pushed me to try.  I’m glad I did.  You left me some BIG shoes to fill.  THANK YOU LADIES!

Thank you to Garlows in Gun Barrel City, RMC in Longview and Decisions in Longview.  Each Club has made this year special with your hospitality.  Thank you for providing a venue for our contests and fundraisers.  I am sure to see you in the future.

To my Family.  My sister Wendy has helped me so much. Wendy has been there with me in all my endeavors.  She has worked as my dresser, also helped with my talents, and helped me win last year.  Thank you for always being there, I LOVE YOU WENDY!  To my Cousin Johnny, thank you for traveling to be here on my big night!  You have always supported me since we came out so long ago.  You have always been more like my brother. I love you Johnny. I am lucky to have family that supports me.

Thank you Sable Alexander and LinzeSerell.  Congratulations of FIVE YEARS OF PAGEANTRY!  Thank you for proving  that professional entertainers can make a difference in our communities! Some times big name entertainers forget about the needs of the community.   

And finally…..a huge Thank you to the Miss Gay Texas State Pageant Board of Directors.  Robert, Larry, Bill, Michael, Anna, Greg, Ricky, Jodie, and Carla.  As well as Sabrina Starr for her work on the pageant website.  You have come together after such a rough start and we are here today because of your hard work.  I know next year will be even better! 

Thank you to all my friends for supporting me as I follow my destiny.  Good Luck to all the ladies competing! 

My step down gown. Black Satin, beaded silk and black and crystal rhinestones. I made it.

Fredrick Oklahoma

My boss at work today told me that he was born in Fredrick.  What a small world. Fredrick is north just across the Red River from Vernon Texas.  It was probably 40 minutes from Electra.  That is where I grew up.  Fredrick is in the southwest corner of Oklahoma.  He lived there when he was very young but still he was surprised when I knew where it was.  After all, Fredrick was not a suburb of a major city. This was a small town of about  3000 people far away from the big city were I live and work now.   Fredrick was home to the Bombers foot ball team.  We played them in pre-season football.  We were not allowed to play regular season because were in different states.  Their team name was a tribute to the local aviations training that took place at a local military facility.  They have won the Oklahoma State championship several times. 

 My mom took us to the game once.  My oldest sister was playing the high school band. I was in Jr.High.  The band generally left during the after noon to get to the game. My sister rode the band bus.  I rode with my other siblings and mom.  The parents and fans would all drive their own cars to the game.  It was not unusual for the cars to be decorated with show polished windows and drivers wearing our school colors, red and white.  Our mascot was the Tigers.  Yes the Electra Tigers would challenge the Fredrick Bombers on their home turf in Fredrick.  Fredrick was a power house team during the 90’s.  It was a good game, but it rained off and on during the game. In the end,  Electra lost. 

I remember my mom driving in the rain; the wipers running on high. At one point it was hard to see the road.  My Dad did not go the game with us. My mom learned to be very independent because my Dad was always working or showed a lack of interest in frivolous activities. My dad’s attitude would change years later when my brother started playing ball.  If my brother played , my Dad was always there.  My mom drove the station wagon slowly due to the down pour.  Some times I wonder how Mom could handle everything and remain so cool.  She always seemed so calm.  Or it seemed that way.  Some times I catch my self pretending not be nervous in certain situations.  It keeps other from panicking.  This is important when they are looking up to me to resolve a difficult situation.  I imagine how my mom would handle things that always help me. 

Longview is a trip.

I survived my weekend of traveling.  I bet I put a million miles on that car. The rain made the trip seem longer.   I had driven to Houston and then turned around and drove from Houston to Longview for another show there. There is no interstate between these two cities. So I had to take smaller highways and passed through many small towns.  It would save me an hour of driving time also.  And for the record, I only got lost once in Crockett Texas. Apparently they have something against road signs. I made it  to Longview and checked into my hotel with plenty of time before the show.    I have been to Longview  a few times this year.   The first time there was a luke warm reception.  They are definitely stuck in small town mind set. They do not like outsiders. 

The first time in Longview was several months ago. I was traveling with the pageant owners to Longview for an overnight trip. Michael and Bill are the cofounders of the Miss Gay Texas State Pageant system. Michael and Bill  were to have a meeting with the owners of Decisions Club in Longview.  They were to discuss possibly adding a Longview prelim to our pageant calendar.  We also wanted to meet some local entertainers and let them know about our system. It was more of a public relations trip.   I was also invited to perform a number during their regular Saturday night show.  I thought it would be fun.  Sometimes the real entertainment is the conversation in the dressing room.  The girls in the dressing room were luke warm, to put it politely.  Some might have called them the  B word.  Still I tried to keep my friendly smile and cheerful demeanor in light of their resistance.  These girls reminded me of the girls back home in Wichita Falls. Their costumes were poorly made and looked pieced together with hot glue.  Their hair was frizzy and dirty. They pulled it from their luggage and just put it on.  They were very territorial. They did not like anyone from out of town invading their space.  The dressing room was a back room that was cluttered.    I found it interesting that there was a sign posted that said, “no on gets paid until the dressing room is cleaned”   I assumed no one ever got paid form the looks of that room.  One girl kept pulling clothes out of a duffle bag and adding accessories to her body.  She would put fabric around herself and pin it with safety pins.  This was so odd to me. I assume she didn’t have any real costumes and was just trying to fool the crowd into thinking she was wearing something elegant.  The girls all wore minimal make up.    They thought this made them look like real girls. But you could see the beard shadows underneath the powder. They were using drugstore makeup. I will never forget what I once hear “Cover girl does not cover boys.”   These queens wore no nails, no lashes and no body padding.   It was like I had gone back in time.  This was the type of drag I left back home in Wichita Falls. 

I continued to try to talk to the girls about anything. Wigs, makeup, costume efforts. But man it was hard.  I threw out a few local names.  That tactic seemed to spark some interest.  Our Miss Texas State from the year before was from Longview.  I tried to use her as an example.  She is a great girl.  Brittany Brooks had fallen right into our laps last year. She is a gold mine. No one knew her, but she came in and won the pageant!  She is a solid entertainer and she fit well into the group. She is nothing like the other local girls in Longview.  (That what’s makes her special.)  She also used her years of experience to bring in some of the younger girls from her city.  I wished Brittany had been there that night. It would have been easier to break the ice in that dressing room.

Longview was proving to be a tough place to visit.  I did my numbers and the crowd seemed to like them.  They appreciated my up beat numbers and dancing.  I only had one minor incident.  I was walking off stage and I was sweating.  Apparently they don’t like to run the air conditioner.  They had large fans, but it was still hot.  I personally prefer a bar that is cold.  I was sweating like a whore in church and crossed over to the bar area.  My friends were there sipping their drinks.  I had a short conversation and reached over for a few napkins to pat my dripping forehead.  Perspiration through your make up is never pretty.  If you pat it quickly you will reduce the loss of makeup.  I quickly patted my face and returned to my conversation. 

I heard the bartender raise his voice to me. Was he talking to me?  I turned.  “Hey, you can’t use our napkins, they cost money!” he yelled.  Never had I been so rudely talked to.  I replied in my fake southern girl voice, ” I’m sorry, I didn’t know. How much are they?”  The bartender continued to tell me that local girls are always using them to wipe their faces and it cost the bar money.  I quickly went from zero to Texas-bitch in record time.  He suggested I use the paper towels in the men’s room. 

I reached in to my bra for a wad of cash. I threw my crumpled money on the bar in front of him. His jaw dropped.  I spoke in my most defiant voice “How much do they cost again?  Buy yourself a whole package of napkins on me!”  He voice broke as he was unsure how to react.  “No, no. I don’t want your money.”  He said.   “keep it!”  I said. He looked confused.  I turned my shoulder in his direction while leaning on the bar“ I got more money  if you need to pay for your precious napkins.  You see honey,  I love drag, but I have a real job.  I work for a living.  I work hard.  I always have. And If I take something I’m not supposed to, I apologize and pay for it.“  I was so mad. Yes, I just let my bitch side come out.   I held me head up and quickly returned to the dressing room.

 I needed  a second to cool off.  The nerve of that guy.  Not two minutes later, the door opened.  It was Michael, one of the owners of Miss Texas State Pageant system.  He was carrying a wad of money.  “What the hell was that? Michael is an older gay man and some times tries to talk to me like a parent.  (Sometimes I need it, especially when he is right)  I explained to him what happened. And I told Michael that I didn’t appreciate being yelled out.  I had already had enough attitudes from the girls in the dressing room and that was the last straw. I just lost it.  Michael shook his head.

Michael and I have a unique friendship.  “Mattie-Louise…” Michael said.   Michael is the only one who calls me this.  I think it’s funny when he says it.  I was about to be scolded. I guess I deserved it.  Michael has a way of calming me down, reasoning with me and explaining a better way to handle the situation.  Yes, he is like a parent.   I finished the night and had made a good impression on the Longview group.  Except for one bartender, he probably still thinks I’m a bitch.  The club scheduled their prelim pageant. That was our goal.

This past weekend was very similar.  The local girls again acted as expected.  Oh, well. This time I was not alone in the dressing room with them.  That made it easier.  I could see the envy in the local girls eyes as I pulled out my costumes.  I have to admit.  My drag is fierce.  I was not going to let them get to me this time. Plus this late in my rein, I don’t care what they think. You can like me or not. I’m fine.   They will continue to do what they do.  I finished my last number in my crown and waved at the small crowd that struck around.   I remember thinking in my head.  This year has been so different than I thought it would be.  Overall, I leaned a lot and I have grown as a person.  I have leaned to help the girls who truly want help and not worry about the girls who look a hot mess. I also learned to bring my own hand towel to Decisions.  Life is too short to worry about a few napkins.

Easy baked pancake

Baked pancake

4 large eggs

½ cup milk

½ cup flour

1 tbs granulated sugar

½ tsp vanilla extract

½ tsp lemon zest

¼ tsp kosher salt

2 tbsp unsalted butter

¼ cup powdered sugar

Heat  oven 425.   In a blender, puree the eggs, milk flour, granulated sugar, vanilla, lemon zest and salt until well combined.  Heat a large cast iron skillet over medium heat.  Add butter and melt. Add the batter to the skillet.  Transfer the skillet to the oven.  Bake until the pancake is puffed and golden about 15 minutes.  Dust with powder sugar.  * can also enjoy with preserves or cinnamon*

I wanted to share a simple recipe.  I usually just take what ever I have and try to make something yummy.  Food does not have to be complicated, just good. So you will want to eat it.

Things I used to enjoy

Last night I wrote an entire blog in my head because I could not sleep.  I was dictating it to myself and writing it mentally.   I woke up at 1am and was awake until about 3 am. As I lay there I was thinking about things I enjoy other than drag.  I have been trying to push myself to not be defined by drag.  It has allowed me to seek out new people and new activities.  Once upon a time I liked doing other things.

                When I was in college I met many new people. I was a music major and the department was made up of undergraduate students and some graduate students.  Some were working part time as teaching assistants and finishing required classes.  They seemed so old compared us freshman.  I was 19 and barely making it to class.  But luckily my performance music classes were during the after noon.  I was more awake by the after noon. I was in marching band too.  During the fall it was fun and definitely a wild group.  I was shy and only hung out with the few people I knew.  I tried to blend into the group.  I was a solid musician and had been all state in high school. There was no doubt that I could play. But the section was full of upperclassmen that did not have interest in welcoming me into their group. I had gone from being at the top of my game in high school to being treated like a nobody in college.  That was a tough feeling.  My classes continued to get harder and I continued to care less.  I needed a place to feel included. Being gay and not too open about it was hard.  It would be another year before I would be out to my friends and family. I did not know who to trust and wanted to seek out others who may understand.  I finished my freshman year with ok grades, but I was unhappy.  I loved music, but did not want to be stuck with a bunch of jerks for another marching band season in the fall.  The following fall I decided to try something different.  I had made friends with a girl in the band.  She was interested in joining the color guard.  I told her I would help her, after all I had zero experience.  I knew I could help her.  After helping her work on a try-out routine, I was hooked.  I wanted to try out too.  So I did.  I tried out for the flag line and also for the rifle line.  Most of the guys who tried out for rifles were considered more masculine.  Masculine in a female dominated group: sounds silly.  I was the only one who didn’t make the rifle line. Oh well, I just was not that good at rifles I guess.  I was better at flags so I got offered a spot on the flag line.  But how would I tell my mother.  This was not the musical education she was hoping I would get out my time at Midwestern State University.   I some how convinced her that it was just a one time thing. I told it was just for fun and she reluctantly gave her blessing. She was very hesitant and knew that I would be made fun of.  The general school body was very closed minded. I think they still are.  Lord knows I was called ‘flagg-It’ more than a few times. I made it through the fall football season with out any major incidents.  I liked being with the group and most of the straight girls were nice and made me feel more welcome than the macho men in my old instrument group.

Midwestern also had a Winter Guard group.  Winter guard is an indoor color guard activity, derived from Military Ceremonies.  Unlike traditional color guard, winter guard is performed indoors, usually in a gymnasium or an indoor arena. Performances make use of recorded music rather than a live band or orchestra. Winter guard ensembles commonly perform routines at judged competitions officiated by local and regional associations using criteria developed by Winter Guard International.  Winter guard seemed like a fun way to improve my limited color guard skills.  I had barely made the flag line, but honestly they would have taken anybody.  (Even an unskilled performer like me.)  So I signed up for winter guard.  We would meet a couple of times a week and our instructors would teach us routines.  It was a more theatrical and dance like that anything we had done as part of marching band.  There were about 15 of us students.  We had three instructors.  One would teach the drill.  Drill was the movements of the group. They told is where to stand and where to move in time with the music.  Then we had an instructor that choreographed the flag routine.  Once we learned the “show”, we would actively practice it and work on synchronized movements and being expressive with our movements.  It was fun. I truly enjoyed it.  It was a combination of music and dance and expression. We practiced and prepared for competition.  We would pack up the University vans and travel to regional competitions.  It was fun traveling and occasionally we would stay over night.  There would be other groups from other universities and also high school groups who competed in a Scholastic category.  Each one presented musical and theatrical color guard routines.  Also during these events, individuals would perform solo routines for the judges.  I tried to do a solo, but I always ended up second or third place.  Our guard was pretty good. But we were not the best.  The judges always liked our music and costumes, but we always fell short when we were up again some powerhouse groups who had long histories of being top winning groups.  Still, we tried hard to adapt our routine so that it would improve for the next competition.  

Winter guard was the first time I had ever seen a drag queen.  We were out of town and staying in a hotel.  All of us guys had to share a room.  We were all adults, but they always made us sleep boys and girls separate.  We were hanging out and discussing the results of the competition.  I was too young to drink but some how ended up having a rum and coke.  It was horrible.  But still I sipped on it.  One is the older girls called me out in the hall to talk.  “Hey, it’s Tony’s birthday and Jason is going to come in a surprise him. Tony was our drill instructor who was also a graduate student.  Jason was his friend.  I did not know Jason very well, but apparently Jason was a performing member of the same group the year before I joined.  I think Jason was well liked but he had transferred to a different school or something.  Jason was there to watch the competition and joined the after party at the hotel.  “Will it bother you to see Jason in Drag?”   I was confused. I had no idea what drag was.  I didn’t want to seem stupid.  “ No, I don’t care” I said quickly.  I don’t know why they asked my opinion.  I was just sitting on the floor not knowing what was going to happen next.  One is the girls put a CD in the player, we generally used it to rehearse our flag routines  with but tonight it was providing music for the party.  Tony was sitting in the middle of the bed and laughing with the others.  There was an impromptu speech.  Everyone raised their red solo cups  and beer cans to wish Tony a happy 24^th  birthday!  Just as Tony said thank you, a Madonna song came on.  It was “Like a virgin”  In walked a tall blonde  wearing a trench coat. .  She wore sunglasses and a wild colorful head band.  It took a few seconds to realize it was a man dressed like a woman. This was not really a woman at all. It was Jason, Tony’s friend.  The blond wig he had on was curly and almost platinum in color.  He was tall and thin and moved his mouth mimicking the lyrics of the song.  It didn’t take long for him to remove the overcoat and sunglasses.  He had on makeup and bright lipstick. Underneath he wore a tight mini dress. It was spandex and he wore long gloves.  Everyone laughed and clapped as Jason acted out the song. Tony was hiding his face in a pillow and trying to look away.  Jason had on high heels and walked quickly as the music played.  He pranced in front of the group and tried to get Tony’s attention. I was so confused,  so I  laughed along out of uncertainty.  I was scared that Jason would some how focus on me.  I was not sure how to react if he did.  I pretended that Tony’s surprise was the funniest thing I had ever seen.  It did seem silly for a guy to dress up like a woman and act so queer.  The girls in the group knew that Jason had dressed in drag.  They said he kept it a secret from his family and had to keep his drag in the trunk of his car.  I assume so his parents wouldn’t find it. Tony was laughing so hard I thought he was gonna pass out.  And I was just plain confused.   How would you ever tell your parents about such a strange behavior?   Yes, I had seen my first drag queen: a man in a dress, acting like a woman.  I remember seeing Jason take off the wig. He was hot and sweaty. His makeup was running.  He sat drinking a beer and trying to catch his breath.  Even the other guys in the group seemed to congratulate him on his outrageous skit. How weird.

I did not know too much about Jason back then.   But always remembered his name.  My life moved on, and apparently his did too.  I left school. I did not know what happened to any of the girls from the color guard group or what happened to Tony the instructor.  I left it all behind as my life changed. I would mature and eventually come out.  It wouldn’t be long after that I started my drag career performing in local shows. I guess I was always looking for a place to belong.    

I ran into Jason in about 2009  in Fort Worth.  I was in drag for a show. I remembered him right away, but I not too sure if her remembered me as quickly.  I’m glad he got to see the more professional drag Me, not the ugly boy in a dress I started out.  It was weird talking to anyone who ever knew me from back then.  No one today knew how much I enjoyed color guard in college.  Jason and I talked about the old color guard days even though it had been about 15 years prior.   A few of my friends, who are involved in coordinating the local pride festivities, are also friends with Jason and he had come to support a fund raiser show. I never knew we had friends in common.    He still looked the same but had never really explored his passion for being a drag entertainer.  I’m sure he never thought the shy kid sitting on the floor in a motel room would some how,  one day switch places with him. But we had.  After all, He was the first drag queen I ever saw.   I became the drag queen and he became the spectator. Jason sent me a message on facebook. He is still in the Fort Worth area and he recently shared that is still teaching color guard. He was always great at it.  He is in a relationship and I’m happy to still know him. He says hello when I see him out and he is a friendly person.   He is one of the few  friends who remembers me,  before I was Me. 

I need to get back in the kitchen and cook.

I have not been cooking much lately, my life has remained busy.  I miss having a home cooked meal some time. Plus because I work during the day, home cooked leftovers  make a good lunch the next day.  I want to try a new recipe that recently came from a friend.  John is a writer. But like so many other people he enjoys cooking too.  He enjoys making this for his friends and family.  This recipe make plenty and would be great for a potluck.  This dish is primarily a side dish, and has a little zing, but not too spicy. The following ingredients will make a large pot, but can reduced.  This a  great recipe….Don’t forget to include the wine on your shopping list!

John’s Italian Sausage and Green Beans

Ingredients:

1 package of Bob Evan’s (or other) Italian sausage

1 small onion

4 large cans of Allen’s Italian Green Beans

2 small cans of diced tomatoes (I like the ones that have the green onions and garlic)

1 small can of tomato sauce

2 cans of chicken broth

2 cups red wine

Steps:

• In a skillet, fry the sausage until very brown
• Caramelize the onions with the sausage
• Drain the grease
• In a very large pot, mix all the above ingredients, except the wine
• Pour one cup of wine into the mixture
• Pour the other cup into a glass and drink! 
• Bring the mixture to a boil
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Cook for about an hour to reduce the liquid
• Simmer and serve

All and any ingredients are optional (except the wine)!

I was not a run away.

I really want to tell you every detail from the past week. But that would be boring.  Here is the short version.  I did not run away from home.   I was sick for three days.  Deathly sick, at least it felt that way.  I was planning a trip to OKC to see my family.  My plan changed becasue I was feeling like crap  I thought it would pass. It only got worse. I ended up in Urgent Care on friday.   I was having pain in my lower abdomen and fever and chills.  I was in bad shape by 5pm and my fever was 101.  I cancelled my trip. I was suffering from a Urinary tract infection that was first thought was spreading to my kidneys.  I was in a lot of pain.  I received a RX for antibiotics and a shot to get the antibiotics in my system faster.  That was a painful shot. It burned going in.  I was even more miserable waiting at the pharmacy to get the prescription filled.  They always say it will only take 20 minutes but it usually takes thirty even when they are not busy.  I had to sit and wait. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball. I finally got home and changed clothes. I lay on the couch disappointed in how my weekend was going so far.  I would be stuck in the house.  I used my down time to work on a computer and watch movies.  I wanted to get away from the stress that had been building in my life and all I could do was suffer from my physical aliments.  I continued to take the medicine, not sure if it was helping. I was not feeling any better.  I felt like some one had kick me in the nuts and it hurt internally. I had to be better by Monday.  I knew I had to be at work.  I was not used to having so much time to do nothing. My life recently had become work, sewing and shows.  I felt like I was stretched too thin.  I was juggling a full load. And the still have other commitments that I need to complete by next week.  I was trying to figure how to financially recover from the poor sale at Fort Worth Coronation.  I was not yet broke but need to stay on a budget.  All of this seems trivial compared to my health.  I felt better on Sunday.  I was still having pain when I moved or walked or tried to roll over in bed.  Other than that, I was doing well. I finally received a call about my test results.  It was good news. There were no “odd bacteria” in my kidneys.  And the doctors office assured me that the antibiotics prescribed were right on target for the infection I had. I finally left the house on Monday morning to go to work.  I would suffer through the day while continuing to take my antibiotics. I am better now.  Now its time to tackle those other issues in my life.