weekend

This weekend is Dallas Coronation. Once again I have asked to be a vendor.  I am excited to show off some of the new gowns I have created.  I have been pushing hard this last week trying to finish up.I have worked 45  hour this week at my real job.  I have been turning out two gowns a night.  Also I will be up late tonight getting everything ready, packing the car but at some point I need sleep.  This week has been so crazy, but I hope I can pull it off.  Tomorrow, I have to be the dress maker, the road crew and the salesman…all at the same time.  Once again I am taking a gamble by spending my money upfront to create these dresses and I hope to make a profit.  I have also been working in shows across DFW.  I am exhausted, in accomplished and productive way.  Wish me luck. 

1996

Robbie, Heather, Johnny, and me

An old friend recently friend requested me via a social networking site. I was happy to hear from her. Heather and I used to work together. Actually she was the daughter of the owners. Heather is now a mom to a 10yo son.  I can’t believe how long it has been.  Heathers opening line in our messages was “how is my favorite Diva”.   Heather knew all about the drag shows.  She was always supportive.   In 1996, I had just had a big falling out with my parents. They were not too crazy about me being open about my sexuality.  I think they were embarrassed.  I had already come out to my friends and had been doing drag on the side too. But just knowing the gay part was enough for them to not talk to me over the summer. I decided to give them space and time.   I had moved with friends and needed a job in the worst way. I had nothing to my name, except my old Buick. In fact at one point I convinced another friend who worked at a convenience store, to let me do a gas drive off. I would pull in; my friend (the clerk) would turn on the pump. Then I was supposed to just drive away with out paying. He told me it happens often at the store where he worked.  They would just write it off.   Yes, it was stealing,  but I was super broke. I was driving around on stolen gas.  I was worried about where my next meal was going to come from.

My cousin Johnny worked at a pizza place in Wichita Falls. He would call me and I would come eat when the owners were out of the restaurant. Yes, again I was stealing. It was a petty theft, and I knew it was wrong.  It was a good thing we never got caught.  I asked him to put in a good word for me, so that I could get a job too.  I got a call from Sandy Hincks, that was Heather’s mom.  Sandy and her husband owned the family pizza restaurant. Their two children worked there too. She asked me to come in for an inter view.  Sandy was a pretty blonde with a bright smile, maybe in her early 50’s. She was friendly, but very professional. She asked me several questions, and over all was a very nice lady.  She asked if I had any experience. I had none.  I think she sensed my need. And Sandy hired me on the spot. I would be making dough. It was not glamorous, but I didn’t care. It was my glimmer of hope in my uncertain future.

I got to know Heather and some other friends at work. (Most of which, whose names I have forgotten.  It’s been too long).  They were an extension of our circle of gay friends.   This job would set in motion the rest of my life. I came from nothing, and needed to work hard to make a life for myself.  Within just a few months, I had improved my situation. I was able to pay my own way.  I had seen other friends, who lived a life hopping from place to place and never amounting to anything. I was determined to make it.  This was my start.  Six months later, I was offered a better job. It was working for TxDot. There was an opening on the road crew. I knew it was a great job. (This job was one I kept for three years.)   It would be hard work, but I never shyed away from it because I was gay.  So I chose to leave the restaurant slowly.  I continued to work there for about two months, just on the weekends. And the owners eventually filled my position, and I had transitioned to just working my job with the State of Texas.  Sandy Hincks gave me a chance to live. I truly believe that.  She also allowed me to seek something better. I used this time to grow more independent. I appreciate her and the start she helped me secure.

Heather told me when we recently reconnected, that Sandy had past away. She will be greatly missed by her family. And it was blessing knowing and working for her. I cried a little when Heather told me. In fact, I was dinning out at a Pizza restaurant.  

This is my 100th post.

This is my 100th post.

It has been a long day. I am glad tomorrow is Friday.   I have several things on my mind. Tonight, I need to sew a couple of dresses.  I need them for the weekend.   I have two shows. One on sat evening  early, 7 pm.  Then will probably meet up with friends and bar hop in drag.(You know I would hate to waste a perfectly good face full of makeup.)  Then Sunday, I am judging a pageant in Dallas. It should be fun.  I have several friends entering the contest and some entertaining.  I will be doing double duty. Judge  and entertainment.   I hope to add a few pictures from this event to my blog. I just hate action shots….I always have my mouth open, holding a big note or something as I  faux sing….There is nothing more ugly, I think.  I have plenty from over the years.

My weekend recap:

Friday: paid bills after work. Did some window  shopping. Stayed home.

Sat:   I was recognized on the street by a guy, even though I was not in drag.  I hugged him. He is a friend of a friend.  Cute and friendly guy.  I meet” Kandace” and her partner for drinks at a country bar, then went to a leather bar because her partner wanted to go.  I came home early.

Sunday:  I met “Natasha” and Paul for a few drinks. Natasha was in a show there. We drank a toast to my birthday.  It was good.

Food I have invented.

Prairie Dog: Like corn dogs, but wrapped in Indian fry bead. Then deep fried.

Mexican meat loaf: like regualr meat loaf, but made by a mexican.

Mini-Starbucks:  (a coffee drink), 1 hot chocolate packet, added sugar and cream and top with hot coffee. 

Chin Up, no crying.  Today is a mixed bag of emotions but I promised myself I would not cry. First I have to tell you, that my friend “Jamie” and her partner are moving today. They are moving to Colorado Springs Co. That is along way from Dallas. I wish it was not happening, but it’s too late. The truck is packed and they are starting a new journey in their lives.  I am going to miss them both. I not sure when I will see them next. Until then, we will try to keep in touch.

Anita and I

Tomas ( me) and Anita (my sister)

My sister and I are very close.  We are two years apart. I remember seeing her as a baby. She was so cute and cuddly. My just wanted to hug her. My mom would scold me for trying to pick her up. I just wanted to hold her, the way my mom did.   I did not want to hurt her because she was so tiny, I just wanted to be close to her.  I resisted because I did not want Mom to scold me again. So I would lay beside her on the bed and talk to her. I’m not sure of what I said, or if was even English coming out of my two year old mouth. Her eyes were half open. I could see her tiny face and hands. I was wanted to tell her how special she was and how much I loved her.  My toddler communications helped me bond with her. As she grew so did I. We were a lot alike. We enjoyed playing the same games, and seemed to have a strong bond.  I remember we used to play in the tub. My mom would sit us back to back. We would try to slash each other and laugh. When I got to school age, I did not want to leave her. She was the first friend I had. Plus she was fun.  I remember we used to wrap towels around our selves and walk around like we were in a beauty pageant. This was way before I realized that boys were not supposed to do beauty pageants. But to 7 year old, it was just fun. We would also genie wrap towels on our heads and pretend it was our hair. I’m sure we were mimicking something we had seen on TV.

We continued all through elementary school, into Jr. High and High school.  Then after high school, we even worked at the same place….in fact three times we worked at the same place.  I just realized that.  Funny, how you forget. Anita is a good person. She is the person I call, when I have problems. And she calls me too. Now she has three girls, who I love dearly. She has lived in Oklahoma City for over 10 years and I love her very much. She and I still enjoy being together when we can. She is fun-crazy, just like me.

I should have stayed home

 I have been battling with my personal reality about my looks and how I feel about my looks.  I tell my self that I don’t care, but I do. I feel like an old man, who needs to stay home. I feel like an old troll. It seems no matter how many people tell me I’m beautiful; I suspect they are being polite and not genuine. I feel like I was never attractive as Tomas NOT EVEN AT 20, now that I’m almost 40, there is no chance I ever will be. I am trying to get over this feeling, but it’s taking me forever.  Now I know why rich people get plastic surgery. They are trying to satisfy a mental condition.  I am trying hard to work on this issue and hopes to one day just accept me unconditionally again. Or, I’m just going to wish for blindness and not worry with it anymore. Trying to go out as Tomas is hard sometimes. I don’t know how this weekend turned into an evaluation of my self image.  I’m a work in progress. I keep telling my self, no one will be interested, because I’m too complicated and have too many issues, and I have too many things to work on. (Hell I know miserable- wrecks that have relationships now WHAT GIVES?).

BUT DAMN, IF I WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE ALL FIXED…I’LL BE DEAD. When do I get to share special moments again, when do I get to feel butterflies again, when do I get to let love grow.  I’ve been working on my self for YEARS.  Now I’m just tired. No more waiting and hoping. I waited….for nothing.

My weekend was a lot different than the weekend before. I have noticed that my life is really having some ups and downs. I tried to simplify my schedule and make time for just enjoying myself. But the opposite happened. I enjoyed it less. I was so busy last weekend.  I was running from show to show. I was on my toes and at the top of my game. My shows were well received each night, even though physically I was pushing myself. But overall, I was happy about it. So this weekend, I did one show. It was supposed to be fun and easy weekend.

Friday I had no plans. I worked all day. In the evening my friend “Kandace” called and invited me out. I skipped my exciting night of TV, and got dressed.  I went dressed as me, not in drag. We met in Fort Worth and bar hopped. There was a large calendar signing party going on. The 2012 all male cowboy calendars are now out.  Kandace wanted to get one signed and meet the guys. They were all shirtless and flirting. I guess that is their way. I tagged along.  I only spoke to one guy, he was shirtless, and all I could do was shake his hand politely. I am not one to openly flirt with a guys, it makes me feel like a whore, which I am not.  I need to feel connection, and then open up. But who I kidding, I have been feeling emotionally frustrated lately. Actually I’m about two seconds from giving up.  I have had my fill of seeing hot guys, that I will never have, so I just sat there at the bar feeling really out of place. My male ego and my love life have been at zero for a while. I really just wanted to have a good time, not lust after strange guys. I usually enjoy Kandace’s company, but I was feeling like I was secondary that night.  I had no drag to hide behind, so I tried to pretend I was watching the big screen TV while Kandace laughed and flirted with the rest of the group.  It’s funny how seeing hot beefy men, turns the rest of the locals guys into giggling school girls. Wow, I thought, and they make fun of us drag queens. 

All of the local men were dressed up fancy, wearing wrangler and western shirts. I was just dressed like always do.  (Button down shirt, good jeans and brown leather shoes/ brown belt.)  Once again, I felt like I was not fitting in. I don’t own any cowboy boots or hat.  Kandace wanted to have pictures taken with the calendar men. (which by the way, looked nothing like their photos).  Kandace got her autographs and pictures, and we continued laughing and drinking at the other bars and clubs.  It was fun until the beers caught up to me. So I sipped the last one and poured the rest down the sink in the men’s room.  I was having a good time, but did not want to over indulge. That’s not my style. We ate at a near by pancake restaurant, and called it a night. I was home by 1am. (Which is different from Mattie, she has no problem staying until the bars shut down.)

Saturday, I had hopes of being a fun evening. I was booked at the Eagle in Dallas. I had invited some friends including Kandace.  I had planned on doing a few easy yet, entertaining numbers in the show so that I would be out in the audience with my friends as much as possible. I packed one bag. I wanted it to be an easy show with no drastic or elaborate hair or costume changes. I hoped we would all have fun there and then venture off to another one of Dallas’ other great clubs after my show. But then, I was thrown for a loop. NONE of my friends showed up. WOW, really. I did the show, but felt really crapy because my friends bailed on me.  One friend said she got called for a show last minute and could not make mine. And Kandace told me the next day, she was tired and had fallen asleep.  My other friends who know, I have not heard from them yet. The show was good, but I left as soon as it ended. Its sucks to feel alone in a room full of people. I wanted so much just to have a good weekend, and I did not. I as hoping that spending time with friends would lift my spirits. I guess next time I will know better.  The only person I can make show up is me.

from the dark ages

I just wanted to post this becasue these are some of the entertainers who still inspire me.

My Pontiac

I sold my car, it was a sad day. I had the same car for 6 years. She was a trusted friend. I bought that car used in 2005. I was proud of my self for buying that car and paying her off in a year. I remember GW and I holding hands in that car. That is a special memory.  It was a good little car, we had traveled to many shows/pageants together. Your speakers helped me perfect my songs. We sang and danced at stop lights together. You saw me laugh, cry and wave at construction workers.  But it was time. I did not have to worry when I was laid off from my job a few years ago.  It was a blessing to not have a car payment for the last five years.  Thanks old friend.  Sometimes you have to say good bye and let things go. *tear*

hunting and fishing

My transition from Junior High to High school was an interesting time.  The feelings I had for other boys was real, and I knew some day I would have to deal with it. But being in a small town was not to the time or the place. I was too immature to be open about it. I don’t think my parents were ready to deal with this just yet either. My dad had always kind of known I was different. He used to make me tag along with He and my brother. I was not the testosterone driven male that they were. He wanted me to be manlier.  

My Dad used to take us hunting and fishing. I loved the outdoors but to me it was an opportunity just to see the animals and play in the water. I remember my dad scolding me for putting my feet in the water and trying to catch the fish with my toes. I was just having fun. Apparently, with my Dad, fun was a problem. We hunted for rabbits and in later years for deer. My Dad would shoot the rabbits and make me retrieve them. I was not scared of them, I just felt sorry for the cute little things. He was also mad when I apologized to the rabbits because their lives had ending in such a tragic way. That was my tender side showing, and Dad did not like it. My Dad taught my brother and I to shoot when we got old enough. I preferred shooting cans; my brother liked shooting God’s creatures.

He used to yell at me saying ”you’re just like your damn mother”. That would always hurt my feelings. I didn’t know whether to apologize for being like my mother, or apologize for not being my brother. Or he would get frustrated and make fun of how I looked. I was chubby, with big ears and big teeth that stuck out with I grinned. I guess it made him feel better, because he was not able to connect or identify with me. I think he wanted to make me cry so I would go sit in the truck. That way he would not have to look at me. I wanted him to like me, hell, I would have settled for acceptance. I am still a little confused about it now. What did he want from me? My brother was a good football player and strong.  He seemed to be “Jesus”. You know Jesus does no wrong.  My mother was smart, friendly, and caring. I didn’t see the problem. It would be many years later, that I realized, it was HIS problem, not mine.

One day my Dad said he was going fishing, but they left without me. He didn’t take me anymore.

In high school, I tried to just be myself. I continued to do the things that came naturally to me. I was very musically inclined. I was very talented in band, drama and art. I placed first in several art contests locally.  I even went on to State level music contests as a soloist. I loved traveling and meeting other band nerds, because they were like me.  The whole time my dad never really said much. He was to busy bragging about my brother. Luckily I had Mom there cheering me on.  I secretly hoped that some day My Dad would open up a bit, but no. I think each man, gay or straight, has to find out who they really are. Morals are a choice and we should all be judged for our character. That includes how we see our kids. I think that when/if I ever have a son, I would take him hunting and fishing. I would teach him what I knew and let him find his own pleasure in it. I can not undo my past, but I don’t have to repeat it either.

my birthday this month




Ever wish you could create your own buttons?
I thought this was funny.



Well, it took almost 37 years but I found one. I finally found a friend who shares the same birthday. I don’t know why it was so hard. I know several people born in my month, but none born on the same day. I am very pleased that it is my new friend Kelly E.  Kelly and I met through a mutual friend. She is a Lesbian, who has two get kids and a super nice partner. Kelly also helped take pictures during the Miss Texas State Pageant last month. Just after the pageant we started talking via social networking site, Face book.  She even talked me into helping with her daughters cheerleading project last month. I gladly gave up my Friday night plans  and helped. Each girl was supposed to create a cheer/team spirit shirt. They could decorate it and be creative. Kelly was not sure what to do, so I offered to help. I love any thing fun and crafty. Also being a queen, it was another excuse to rhinestone something. We shopped for supplies and then got to work on the shirts. Kelly and I and another mom worked together in a mini sweat shop. We decorated shirts and megaphones and even made these cute seats for the girls to sit upon. I had so much fun, and I heard that the girls love what we had made for them. These cheerleaders are under 10, so anything with their name all over it is bound to be a hit. Kelly was so much fun to work with. And her family are so cute together. Then today I noticed on my Face Book, that we share the same birthday. I think that is great. Kelly was excited to hear about it too. I knew I liked her. All people born in October are great!  My Birthday is just a few weeks away.  I really want a homemade pecan pie and maybe a dinner out at Joe T. Garcia’s restaurant in Fort Worth. I dare to dream.  (table for one please).

Mosaic Lounge/Gay Pride



Tasha Kohl and Mattie Madison  Oct 1, 2011



After the parade ended, I skipped the street festival that followed and went home for a much needed nap.  I had a show booked that night in Fort Worth. I was a VIP entertainer at the Mosaic Lounge. This event was in conjunction with the Gay Pride activities. Some of the best Queens in Fort Worth were asked by invitation to perform at a local straight club. Mosaic Lounge is located in down town near Sundance Square. Sundance square is the hub of night life in Downtown. There were tons of people on Saturday night. There are numerous clubs, restaurants and shops. The clubs and bars there are all straight. But Mosaic Lounge is a new hot spot, and welcomed us to put on a show. Fort Worth has made huge strides in making our city an open and friendly one for all citizens. This was evident by our new parade route and changes in city policy. In fact our current Mayor Betsy Price was riding in the parade. That was awesome. Former mayor Mike Moncreiff, who recently left office, supported zero discrimination for all citizens. Fort Worth is quickly becoming a model for inclusive policy changes and government lead forward thinking.

 I was nervous about being downtown at night in high whore drag.  I did not want to draw any attention.  So I put on my sparkliest gold sequin dress and my good tranny wig and served them glamour as stepped out of the car in front of the valet stand.  I figured if I had to be seen, it would be a scene. All heads turned in the restaurant patio next door. They were not sure who or what I was. I had my intern grab my bags and I rushed into the building. The VIP event at Mosaic featured top local performers such as legendary Tasha Kohl, Candi Caroll, Madison Deveareux, Veronica Vogue and Me. It was great to see the crowd, both gay and straight, cheer when “the girls” did our numbers. There were people in and out of the dressing room. All wanted to compliment us and tell us how great we were. It was not a typical drag bar, and not set up for any type of real shows, but everyone seemed to have a great night. (Many could not imagine that we were all really men. ) I jokingly  I told Tasha, that I needed to make at least 8 bucks…to cover my valet parking.  We laughed. I did some song that I thought might be a bit more suited to our eclectic crowd. I did some Eartha Kitt -Big Spender and a groovy little Gloria Estefan number. They both went over well.  I will never forget this night. It was a wild show in a basement lounge. I won't soon forget having to stand on the sidewalk while the valet brought my car. I felt like a classy bag lady waiting for the bus. All eyes were on me in downtown that night. The people on the side walk could not help but do a double take; especially the men. They were a little confused I think.

Mattie, Tasha Kohl and Candi Caroll at
Mosaic Lounge Fort Worth

Pride Parade was fun

I survived my long week end. I was in drag four times in three day. Only because Saturday was the parade at 10 am and then I had a show on the night. So I took an afternoon nap in between. I needed to try to make up for the little sleep I was getting at night.  I feel like sometimes my body is going to shut down one day because I have to push it so much. Plus I think I lost about 10 lbs just from the stress. My good boy jeans are loose on my today.  

Friday night at Drama Room was just as expected. I have been there before and the crowds are about always the same. It is a young crowd. They like dance-prancy numbers. (This is a technical term that I just made up.) There is only a small area for shows. It is like being punished, because it is in the corner of the room. I have learned to never wear a show gown with a train, because you will only be walking all over it as you perform. Plus you are on the same floor level as the crowd. They are so close you could reach out and touch them. My friend, Chanel, hosts the show and also does a dance contest. The young boys shake it and are awarded with prize money. We drag queens are like the half time show at a foot ball game. We do our numbers but really it about the boys. I figure it’s a paying gig, and it is easy cash, so I just smile and go with the flow. Plus it keeps me involved on the Dallas circle of drag.

Saturdays’ Pride parade in Fort Worth was a magnificent event. It is maybe half the size of the Dallas parade, but we don’t care. Fort Worth has a great community base and good people too. “Let them be Dallas and we will be Fort Worth.” My friends always say. This week end was an historic move for the parade. It was generally staged in the area near the clubs. But organizers pushed to have our parade in downtown for the first time in 30 years. With the support of local organizations and the city, we did it. We paraded down Main Street!  There were a few hiccups about staging the parade in downtown. But I feel it was just because on the newness of the event in down town. Hope fully the participants will be come accustomed to the new parade venue in following years.  Also too, the start of the parade was marred by protesters with signs and bull horns. It was a beautiful day and they had nothing better than to bother us.  They called me names and some were quite vulgar. I even talked to one in Spanish, as if I did not understand his English. His confusion was quite comical. I yelled out my phone number and told him to call me, he was a nut but he was a cute nut! Like all the guys I meet, I’m sure he won’t call. 

I felt so honored to ride in the back of a convertible like a true beauty queen. I wore my best sequin baby blue dress complete with tulle over skirt. I donned my crown and white gloves and waved like a princess.  The car even had signs on both sides that were custom printed for pageant owners to use in the parade.  No one knew that under my dress I had only a bra, fake boobs and shorts and socks. It was easier than getting fully dressed.  We got to the parade staging area that’s when I changed clothes. I took off my t-shirt.  I slipped into my dress and hopped in the car. The crowd would only see me from the waist up.





Mattie and Madison Devereaux



My best friend Kandace was riding on another float and had given me a bottle beer just before the parade stepped off at 10am.  (She is a “budlight” girl from way back.)  I stashed it in my bra and it kept my chest cool.  I would pull it from my bosoms and swig on it, the crowd would go wild. It was so unexpected and really made me the hit of the parade. I was definitely noticed.  As the car rolled past the downtown restaurants, one group of obviously straight guys were hollering for my attention. They were all in work uniforms and all in their twenties.  They called my name, because it was written on the sign, and begged me to guzzle it in front of them. I acted appalled, but then sucked down the beer as they cheered.  Yes, I chugged it like a lady.  I hollered back that my breasts were sponsored by Budweiser!  The beer was all gone by the time we rolled to the end of the parade. It was amazing to hear the crowd call my name and say I looked beautiful.  I kept thinking I should have put my number on the back of that damn sign.  It might have helped; it couldn’t hurt, right? The parade ended in grand style and it was totally worth waking up t 6: 30 am to put on my makeup.  Plus it was awesome to know that my pageant system stands behind me too. They had paid the entry fee, organized the printing of the signs and made arrangement for the use of the car. I was like a true queen. And now I can say “I did it in downtown Fort Worth, and men cheered me on!