I should have stayed home

 I have been battling with my personal reality about my looks and how I feel about my looks.  I tell my self that I don’t care, but I do. I feel like an old man, who needs to stay home. I feel like an old troll. It seems no matter how many people tell me I’m beautiful; I suspect they are being polite and not genuine. I feel like I was never attractive as Tomas NOT EVEN AT 20, now that I’m almost 40, there is no chance I ever will be. I am trying to get over this feeling, but it’s taking me forever.  Now I know why rich people get plastic surgery. They are trying to satisfy a mental condition.  I am trying hard to work on this issue and hopes to one day just accept me unconditionally again. Or, I’m just going to wish for blindness and not worry with it anymore. Trying to go out as Tomas is hard sometimes. I don’t know how this weekend turned into an evaluation of my self image.  I’m a work in progress. I keep telling my self, no one will be interested, because I’m too complicated and have too many issues, and I have too many things to work on. (Hell I know miserable- wrecks that have relationships now WHAT GIVES?).

BUT DAMN, IF I WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE ALL FIXED…I’LL BE DEAD. When do I get to share special moments again, when do I get to feel butterflies again, when do I get to let love grow.  I’ve been working on my self for YEARS.  Now I’m just tired. No more waiting and hoping. I waited….for nothing.

My weekend was a lot different than the weekend before. I have noticed that my life is really having some ups and downs. I tried to simplify my schedule and make time for just enjoying myself. But the opposite happened. I enjoyed it less. I was so busy last weekend.  I was running from show to show. I was on my toes and at the top of my game. My shows were well received each night, even though physically I was pushing myself. But overall, I was happy about it. So this weekend, I did one show. It was supposed to be fun and easy weekend.

Friday I had no plans. I worked all day. In the evening my friend “Kandace” called and invited me out. I skipped my exciting night of TV, and got dressed.  I went dressed as me, not in drag. We met in Fort Worth and bar hopped. There was a large calendar signing party going on. The 2012 all male cowboy calendars are now out.  Kandace wanted to get one signed and meet the guys. They were all shirtless and flirting. I guess that is their way. I tagged along.  I only spoke to one guy, he was shirtless, and all I could do was shake his hand politely. I am not one to openly flirt with a guys, it makes me feel like a whore, which I am not.  I need to feel connection, and then open up. But who I kidding, I have been feeling emotionally frustrated lately. Actually I’m about two seconds from giving up.  I have had my fill of seeing hot guys, that I will never have, so I just sat there at the bar feeling really out of place. My male ego and my love life have been at zero for a while. I really just wanted to have a good time, not lust after strange guys. I usually enjoy Kandace’s company, but I was feeling like I was secondary that night.  I had no drag to hide behind, so I tried to pretend I was watching the big screen TV while Kandace laughed and flirted with the rest of the group.  It’s funny how seeing hot beefy men, turns the rest of the locals guys into giggling school girls. Wow, I thought, and they make fun of us drag queens. 

All of the local men were dressed up fancy, wearing wrangler and western shirts. I was just dressed like always do.  (Button down shirt, good jeans and brown leather shoes/ brown belt.)  Once again, I felt like I was not fitting in. I don’t own any cowboy boots or hat.  Kandace wanted to have pictures taken with the calendar men. (which by the way, looked nothing like their photos).  Kandace got her autographs and pictures, and we continued laughing and drinking at the other bars and clubs.  It was fun until the beers caught up to me. So I sipped the last one and poured the rest down the sink in the men’s room.  I was having a good time, but did not want to over indulge. That’s not my style. We ate at a near by pancake restaurant, and called it a night. I was home by 1am. (Which is different from Mattie, she has no problem staying until the bars shut down.)

Saturday, I had hopes of being a fun evening. I was booked at the Eagle in Dallas. I had invited some friends including Kandace.  I had planned on doing a few easy yet, entertaining numbers in the show so that I would be out in the audience with my friends as much as possible. I packed one bag. I wanted it to be an easy show with no drastic or elaborate hair or costume changes. I hoped we would all have fun there and then venture off to another one of Dallas’ other great clubs after my show. But then, I was thrown for a loop. NONE of my friends showed up. WOW, really. I did the show, but felt really crapy because my friends bailed on me.  One friend said she got called for a show last minute and could not make mine. And Kandace told me the next day, she was tired and had fallen asleep.  My other friends who know, I have not heard from them yet. The show was good, but I left as soon as it ended. Its sucks to feel alone in a room full of people. I wanted so much just to have a good weekend, and I did not. I as hoping that spending time with friends would lift my spirits. I guess next time I will know better.  The only person I can make show up is me.