I spent Thanksgiving with my family.  It was good. I drove up I35 to Oklahoma City for the day. I thought maybe it would be crazy traffic, but it was fair.  I left at 6:30 am with my turkey hot and ready to travel.   I had packed an over night bag incase I decided to stay over night. Just the essentials: shirt, jeans, underwear and of course my favorite Tina Turner CD.  I’m sure I was a spectacle driving and lip-synching and passing cars full of families.  It was very foggy when I reached the Arbuckle Mountains. The Arbuckle Mountains are an ancient mountain range in south-central Oklahoma. The granite rocks of the Arbuckles date back to the Proterozoic Era some 1.4 billion years ago which were overlain by sediments during the Paleozoic Era. The range reaches a height of 1,412 feet above sea level.  It’s not the Rockies, but compared to the plains of north Texas….they are Mountains.

Turner Falls OK

 I love that area during the summer.  I have memories of going to Turner Falls and swimming as a kid. Turner Falls is in the heart of the Arbuckle area.  There is a river and water fall and swimming area below the falls.   I remember it was the first time I ever saw a guy with out a shirt and thought, wow he is hot.  I was probably about 10. 

I have been to Oklahoma City before and I always call or text when I pass certain landmarks, so my sister can judge how far away I am.  Once you get into Norman, you are home free and can usually be at my sister door in about 20 more minutes.   I made it about 9:30.  My sister had prepared some pancakes and bacon for breakfast.  It was great just to sit and talk.  I miss that.  Her kids and I watched the parade and laughed.  They seemed to miss me and I know I missed them.  It had been about four months since I had seen them.  The best moment was when my youngest niece, 11, said to me. “Uncle Mossie, did you bring us some make-up?  I told my mama to tell you.”  I smiled and laughed.  They have grown up knowing that I was some sort of singer.  That is how they see it.  They know I “sing” at the club.  They love playing with my costumes and makeup when ever they would come and visit me at my place.  I have a whole drag room for them to indulge their time.  It was nice to see my nieces.  They are so loving and sweet.  And so much fun to laugh and joke with.   My sister, Anita, cooked some great food.  I was so glad we could all be together.  To be honest, I have eleven nieces and nephews, but the only ones who call ME family, are my three nieces in Oklahoma.  It is hard for me to say that.  But it is the sad truth.  It is sad how the years of drama have cut my family in half.  We were once all so close.  I cherish the family I do have and tried not to worry about the past.  Not on Thanksgiving anyway.

We all ate.  My sister even made a pumpkin pie, from scratch….yes she scratched the frozen box and popped it in the oven to cook.  Just like Mom used to make.  She hates when I say that.  No matter, the pie was great.   I even enjoyed a quick nap on the couch, until my neck started to hurt.  I like the fact that I feel at home at my sister house.  Or maybe it was the turkey and big meal that made be feel sleepy.  I felt at peace either way.

I had thought I may stay the night.  The clothes in the car were for ‘just in case’.  I phoned a few of my old friends.  I was hoping we might meet for drinks.  I have known these guys for about ten years. They have all asked me at some point in the past when I was going to move back to OKC.  I can clearly say today.  That is not going to happen.  It is not my home, just someplace I used to live.  After calling a few old friends, it seemed they were all too busy.  It really hurt my feelings. They knew I was coming.  Maybe it’s time to let those old friends go. I guess they mean more to me than I do to them, anymore.  I did my best to enjoy my family but I did not stay.  I drove back.  The visit was a short but good one.  I sang all the way home and called my sister so that she would know I was home safe. 

I unloaded the car and walked the dogs.  I reflected on my day trip and how fun it was.  I got a text.  I had forgotten my friend from Houston was in town.  I was thinking I was going to wind down, but he was inviting me to meet him for drinks.   I can’t resist the invitation. It had been over six months since he had been in town.  Vince and I have been friends for the last four years.  We meet one night in Fort Worth, when he proceeded to tell me how amazing he thought I was in a previous show.   Needless to say I love his honesty.   He has a fun personality and we became close.  He was a dancer and had done drag before.  We had a lot in common.  Now he is a manager for an exclusive restaurant in Houston.  There were not very many people at the club on Thanksgiving night.  It was more about seeing my old friend.  We laughed until it hurt.  I enjoyed it. 

I went to the movies on Friday night.  My good friend Andy aka “Kandace” asked me to go.  Her husband was gone out of town still visiting family.  She wanted to go do something.  We caught dinner at a small Italian place and then saw the Immortals in 3D.  It was worth the price of admission.  I have not been a theatre in months. 

Saturday I had a show. It was early.  One of the local charity organizations needed entertainers.  It was a Christmas theme show.  So I pulled out two of my red dresses and my good white fur and hit the club. I was all dolled up in drag.  I few quick easy numbers and I was ready to party.  My other  friend was also in the show. “Natasha” and her partner Paul are always fun.  It was good to cut loose and have fun.  We danced and over indulged a bit on refreshing adult beverages.  Luckily I made it home safe. I remember taking off my drag and makeup and then….well that’s about it.  I woke up the next morning with a splitting head ache. Yes, I caught my self a hangover.  I was miserable all day, but I hear I was the life of the party the night before.   I think I am too old to be a party girl again.  I cut all that stuff when I was about 25.  The party girl is best left in the past. 

On Sunday, I slept in and cleaned house.

Oaklawn robbery.

I have been feeling better. I was in a funk for the last few weeks. Too much work, not enough fun.  In fact my job had kept us super busy. I was working hard and pulling a many hours as possible.  The availability of over time has been good for me.  I have managed to pay off some bills and only have one more car payment due in December.  Then this car is mine, free and clear. (pat myself on the back)   My goal is to set myself up to start the New Year on the right foot.  There have been set backs and miss steps this year, but over all, I can say I made it.  I was so proud of myself this past week; I had given myself permission to go out.  My friend was hosting a show at a small bar in Dallas gay neighborhood, Oaklawn.  My plan was to stop in for a drink and catch the show.  Then I would venture across the street to the Roundup. The Roundup is a great place to watch the cowboys dance.  Lord knows, it would be a well deserved diversion from my recent work obligations.  So I ironed my shirt. The one it took me 15 minutes to select. And prepared for a night out.  I only had to make one quick stop to get gas and cash.  I had finally gotten paid from my last drag gig and I received  a $100 bill as part of my payment.  I was holding that to use toward my car payment the following morning. So I withdrew a couple of twenties from the ATM as my spending money for the night. I tucked 20 in my wallet with the 100 I already had. The other 20 in shoved in my left front pocket.  I was on my way.  I drove around looking for a parking space. The Drama Room has its own parking lot behind the bar but I was not in the mood to pay 10 bucks just to park. I might have paid if I had been in drag, but I was just me. I did not have to haul any luggage or wigs.  It was only a few blocks to park on the street and then walk up to the main strip. I found a space. Yes.  I quickly grabbed my phone and locked the car.  It was dark but I could see the lights from the clubs ahead.    

I heard a deep male voice behind me and kept walking.  I felt someone shove me from behind almost knocking me down.  What the fuck?  Before I knew what was happening he had his arms around me and demanded money.  “what the fuck is your problem?”  He repeated again, “give me your money”  Oh shit, I thought. I’m being robbed. I remember I was cussing him. I think I used the N-word.  How could he do this to someone?  I was mad.  I was not really scared, but felt confused and angry.  I tried to reached for my wallet and he snatched it from me and quickly opened it.  He pulled out my cash and threw the wallet on the ground.  I felt my feet slowly stepping backwards.  Holy shit was this real? It happened so quickly. That piece of shit just took off down the block with my money. He disappeared into the dark.   I looked around, but saw no one.  I picked up my wallet and looked in it.  Yes, all gone. I was hopping this was a bad dream. But it was real.  My phone? Where was my phone?  I called 911.  I was so frustrated.  I think, I was rambling.  I was so nervous.  I needed help.  The police were on their way.  It seemed to take forever.  I saw a few guys in the distance, but they were not headed my way. Too far to talk to them.  Then one guy, an obvious club patron passed me as I waited by the fence.  “Be careful” I said in a friendly way.  “I just got robbed down that way.”  “No shit?” he said in disbelief.  I quickly told him what happened. He asked if I was ok.  I was. I was just shaken and concerned about how long the cops were taking to get there.  He tried to talk to me, but I don’t really remember what about.  “Here comes your cops.” he said as he continued walking down the side walk.  It was the cops pulling up.  They asked my name and took a report.  I was glad to have some feeling of relief. I felt that at least they would be looking for this guy, even if they don’t catch him.  I began to breathe a little easier.  I gave them his description :  Black male, 6-3, white shirt, jeans, red and blue baseball cap.  I told them all I could remember.  I thanked them for showing up.  They gave me a report number and said they would drive around and see if any in the area might be the person. They advised me to go home.  No problem there.  I knew that was where I would go.  I was half way home, before I called my sister in OKC.  At first, I was not sure if I should. It was 1 am and she would be asleep.  But I did.  We talked as I drove.  I told her what happened.  It had been one crazy night.  I had learned to never park in that neighborhood again.  I had taken it for granted that I would be ok.  It was not worth it to save a few bucks on parking.  Also it is better to have other friends with me.  It sounds simple now, but it was a hard lesson, I will not soon forget. I was lucky, it could have been crazy worse.  I have had many friends calling, once they heard the news.  I appreciate their concerns.  I also feel it is important to warn my friends.  Many of them also frequent that neighbor hood at night.  I don’t anything to happen to them.

Pecan Pie

I made my first pecan pie. I am so proud of myself.  I love to make things, but do not consider my self a real cook.  I am more of a home cook, who enjoys a challenge. Plus I love old cook books. I get my best “ I wonder how you make that” ideas from the old books. 

My favorite book is from 1954, Better Homes and Gardens cook book. I found it at a used book sale. I felt like I had found money.   I love anything with nostalgic value.  Plus in 1954, butter and fats were a food group.   It still had the plastic inserts inside.  The back was not broken and in amazing shape. I inherited several well used cook books about 5 years ago.  I also have some family recipes that had been used for years.  One included was pecan pie. 

I remember GW used to make the best pecan pies, and unfortunately I have not had one since he passed five years ago. I think it was more of an emotional block.  So this year I worked up the courage to see if I could do it.  (Again this is part of my letting go, moving on process in life.)  Well I made the best damn pie ever!  I have learned to celebrate old memories in a special way;  By baking myself a pie.  And the best part was, I smiled the whole time I ate it. It really was not hard and I can’t wait to make another. 

for sale.

Here is a list of what I have to sell.  Also I have tons of fabrics on hand if you want some thing custom. Being a professional entertainer, I pick out fabrics that I know will appeal to other drag queens.  If I dont have colors you want I can try to get them through one of my fabric vendors. Items will be sold on first come first serve basis. All sales final.  mattiemadison1234@msn.com or via face book mattiemadison.  (size 18-22 stretch)

Red Penne Velvet. True red Side split on left leg. Gathered at hip.  Faux bat wing sleeves. Three large square stones at the split.   $100.00

Black and red stretch knit dress:  Bell sleeves, train and black sparkle at waist. Scoop neck line. $80.00

 Peach stretch knit with peach stretch lace across bust and fore arms. Embellished with stones and sequins.  Round neck line straight sleeves, full skirt to the floor. $100.00



  



Lime Green and light green stretch knit dress. Asymmetrical  cut neck line, embellished with trims, stones and sequins.  Ruffled  open shoulder and ruffled swag over right leg. Side split. Straight sleeves with ruffle cuffs are wrist.  $80.00



Light Blue floral sequin dot stretch lace dress.  Floral pattern in blues, white band at knees and flared mermaid bottom in light blue.  Half sleeves with half round drapes over both shoulders. Round neck line, and sequin trim at neck and knees.  $100.00

 

<--front

Red Velvet stretch dress with satin skirt, mermaid style flare skirt to the floor. Unembellished.  Straight sleeves, V-neck line. $80.00







Red stretch  Christmas cocktail dress, with double layers of white fringe on bottom.  Half zip back with lace up eyelets in back.  Embellished with sequins, stones and mirrors around neck line.  $75.00

Lesson # 1000325.....damn

I worked in a show last night, it was a great night. I am finally getting the exposure.  With one problem….I did not get paid.  I was told that the owner left early and they did not know how much or what the arrangement was. I was told to contact him. I called him.  I am frustrated, and I am waiting to hear back.   I guess this will a learning experience.  I may work for cheap, but I do not work for free.  I am hoping this is an easy resolution. 

UPDATE:  It took a few days and a couple of phone calls, but i got my money.  I tried to keep the conversation light and friendly.  I told the bar owner that I had a great time and the crowd at his bar was fun to entertain. All of which was the truth. I really did have a great show that night.  Then I gingerly told him, that I was unhappy about one thing....the pay issue.  He appoligized and said he would take care of it. And he did.  He also offered me an invitation to guest spot once a month and possibly a regualr spot at his other club. The new show is in the works and he needs good talent.  We are working out the deatils and he is puishing for me to work for him every week.  I would love too, and I feel I am ready to. Cross your fingers for me. 

learning about myslef

I find it interesting how many things I still do are based on my mother.  My mother was a good woman who I looked up to.  She is still a big influence in my life even though she died in February of 2003. I still buy the things she bought; I also cook the things she cooked.  This includes the type of dish soap she would buy.  My mother was hooked on JOY for dishes.  I prefer it too.  I guess some things, you just stick to what you know.  Even if it’s just soap, the dishes do not care.   I remember all the lessons she taught me, all the great family times and I can never forget the positive role model that she was to me.  I am however worried about a trust issue that I’m sure I got from her.  I believe it was something  I picked up at a young age. Sometimes even small things seem to shape who you are.  I recognize this more as I continually rediscover my self.   My mom would tell us to beware of people you do not really know.  If we were to go to a friend house, Mom would tell us to don’t accept anything, especially food.  “They are just being nice”   “We have food at home”.  I think it was a way of hiding our poverty. We had food, but she knew we did not have the nice things that others had.  She did want other to think that had to provide for us in some small way.  “And don’t ask for anything while you are there” She saw shame in someone else feeding her child. Did she think we were begging?  I wish I could ask her.   So I would never be allowed to have a snack at a friends house or allowed to stay for dinner, instead I would politely turn down the offer. Or if that did not work, I would fake sick and go home quickly.  Being polite and well behaved was a ‘must’ with my mom.   Even today, I feel it is important to establish a trust with people before you accept things from them.  It was a year before I would accept small gifts, such as a cupcake from my work friend, Norma.  She loves to bake, and finally I feel ok accepting the small gift. It tunrs out she is just a nice person who likes to share.   I feel that it is OK to take an offering from a friend who is genuine, rather than take from a person who is just being polite.  (That’s my mother’s doing. )  I feel it is a defense mechanism.   It shields me from people who will give me something bad, or have bad intentions that come with a gift. Again, I know this is a trust issue.  I am learning to quickly analyze the person.  What do they want in return, and is it worth it.  It is not a bad thing.  Luck for me, I have found friends who do not want anything from me but friendship.  So it is not all bad.  It is part of what makes me. Maybe by understanding where these issues came from, I can learn to let them go or at least accept them

successful prelim

We had our first Miss Texas State Pageant preliminary last weekend.  I had been working hard to try and get contestants.  Also I had been in constant contact with the prelim promoter making sure everything was falling into place.  After a good evening of competition and entertainment, we crowned Xocora Cain Martinez the new Miss Lone Star State.  It was supposed to be a double crowning, but there were no at large contestants.  I was a little bummed about that, but I know all I can do is keep promoting and be the liaison for the owners.  It is becoming a challenge.  I guess this is the time that the “job” part of being Miss Texas State at large is setting in for me.  Xocora did a great job in talent, and look beautiful on gown.  I am glad to see her return from last year.  She is headed in the right direction and I wish her continued success as she prepares for our state level pageant in Sept 2012. 

I think the biggest challenge is encouraging the girls that you just competed with.  You are selected to step up and then turn and say….”do you want to do another prelim?”  You have to find genuine care and understanding to push the girls to keep working and follow you as the reining title holder.  I was glad to see so many returning girls, from last years state pageant, in attendance at the first prelim. I am glad to see that they are mature enough to move forward with the system again this year.  That is not always the case. MANY girls never come back due to lack of interest or hurt feelings after not winning.     I had four girls share with me their plans for entering future prelims. They are preparing now.   I have expressed my availability to help in any way I can. The only thing I can’t do is, do it for them.   I am also using my shows to reach new potential contestants.  Our next prelim will be after the new year begins.  I have several shows already on my calendar.  I am hoping to bring in some new faces.    I am also booked at Rainbow Lounge on Thursday.  I am hoping to make some good money.  Lord knows I need it. In three weeks I will be in Longview for a show too.

I am very proud of my self; the first prelim was a success.  I felt the pageant owners were please, and the promoter for the prelim was also happy.  Also I looked like I belonged up there.  My costumes were the sensation of the night.  Also I tried a new hair technique and was stunning at the close of the pageant.  I think I need to wear more red, I had lot of compliments on my color of dress.  It was just a little something I whipped up….”this old thing?”

Mattie and my BFF Kandace at Reflections in Fort Worth

Mattie and with some customer from Alaska.

Dallas Coronation

My sale was successful at Dallas coronation, I am glad I can now pay the rent.  I am thinakful. I gambled my money and made a profit.  Plus I was able to make more contacts for my business.  I have one client who needs three dresses. I can't beleive it. That is good news.   I am going to find some sample fabrics and get started on them in the next few weeks.  I am also glad so many people were taliking about how much the enjoy my dresses.  I am super pleased.  I am thinking about taking on a partner.  I am not sure if this is wise.  It is still a new idea, I have a friend who sews too.  I really need to look at his work and see if we could produce the same line of clothes.  I really need to work with him to show him what I know and maybe he can show me a few tricks too. One thing is clear, Its my name on the line.  I want to make the best decision. So I will see what happens.

I do not care

"Today I decided,  I do not care. I have spent my whole life caring and trying to a difference, now today…..I do not care anymore.  I. do. not. care."

This last week I have felt so fustrated. I have been working my self to death. I have worked my  day job, plus shows, plus sewing.  I am tired and need a break.  So it may seem that i do not care, but really what I want to say is sometimes we all need a break.  Even if its just for a few days.  I need to catch my breath, before I bitch slap some one.