learning about myslef

I find it interesting how many things I still do are based on my mother.  My mother was a good woman who I looked up to.  She is still a big influence in my life even though she died in February of 2003. I still buy the things she bought; I also cook the things she cooked.  This includes the type of dish soap she would buy.  My mother was hooked on JOY for dishes.  I prefer it too.  I guess some things, you just stick to what you know.  Even if it’s just soap, the dishes do not care.   I remember all the lessons she taught me, all the great family times and I can never forget the positive role model that she was to me.  I am however worried about a trust issue that I’m sure I got from her.  I believe it was something  I picked up at a young age. Sometimes even small things seem to shape who you are.  I recognize this more as I continually rediscover my self.   My mom would tell us to beware of people you do not really know.  If we were to go to a friend house, Mom would tell us to don’t accept anything, especially food.  “They are just being nice”   “We have food at home”.  I think it was a way of hiding our poverty. We had food, but she knew we did not have the nice things that others had.  She did want other to think that had to provide for us in some small way.  “And don’t ask for anything while you are there” She saw shame in someone else feeding her child. Did she think we were begging?  I wish I could ask her.   So I would never be allowed to have a snack at a friends house or allowed to stay for dinner, instead I would politely turn down the offer. Or if that did not work, I would fake sick and go home quickly.  Being polite and well behaved was a ‘must’ with my mom.   Even today, I feel it is important to establish a trust with people before you accept things from them.  It was a year before I would accept small gifts, such as a cupcake from my work friend, Norma.  She loves to bake, and finally I feel ok accepting the small gift. It tunrs out she is just a nice person who likes to share.   I feel that it is OK to take an offering from a friend who is genuine, rather than take from a person who is just being polite.  (That’s my mother’s doing. )  I feel it is a defense mechanism.   It shields me from people who will give me something bad, or have bad intentions that come with a gift. Again, I know this is a trust issue.  I am learning to quickly analyze the person.  What do they want in return, and is it worth it.  It is not a bad thing.  Luck for me, I have found friends who do not want anything from me but friendship.  So it is not all bad.  It is part of what makes me. Maybe by understanding where these issues came from, I can learn to let them go or at least accept them