little kids grow up

Each year the elementary school would conduct a school track meet.   It would be based on the Track Meets Competitions that the high school students competed in.  Many times, the high school students would run the events or act as score keepers.  From my fourth grade perspective, they were grown ups.

this is not me, but I thought it was funny.

We would train and learn about each event during our daily PE class. Our coaches would explain how each event worked, what you had to do to win and prepare us for the actual track meet.  We would sign up for events that interested us.  It was required that we do one field event and one running event.  We also had to chose a team and do a relay race. I tried to practice at home.  I would jog around the neighborhood and concentrate on my stride and breathing.  Each of these things was supposed to help with endurance and stamina.  I tried to apply every thing the coach had told us.  The field event I wanted to enter was the softball throw. We were just kids, and a shot put was too heavy so they had us throw a softball.  The goal was to throw it the farthest.  I looked forward to the day.  There would be games, a picnic lunch, and awards for the kids.  Then after a few weeks of preparations and waiting we loaded a bus and crossed town to the High school track. Many parents came to see their kid’s events, but as usual, my parents were at work.  Back then, there was no such thing as a personal day.  I understood but still it would have been nice to see a smiling face.   I couldn’t wait to show off my ribbons when I got home. 

The day was not what I expected.  The after noon turned hot.  The other kids got to enjoy hugs from their parents. Sadly, my performance was poor.  For me, there are key moments in my life where you realize how different you.  The running events were hard for a fat kid. I was doomed to failure. I was too fat to run.  I was last in the 50 yard dash.  I wanted to win, but only got second in the softball throw.  By the time the relay race was came, I was already feeling defeated. I didn’t even try. 

Life can be the same way. Hard lessons about our limitations come and hit you like a ton of bricks. I have a seen my share of bricks, lord knows.   You are given a sack of bricks automatically in my world.  Those bricks hurt, but now I’m stronger. As a man, it is up to me what I do with those bricks. It’s was not with in my realm of understanding in fourth grade.  But I understand it now.   Life is a journey of self discovery.  Each brick has weighed on me for years.  I carried them around and was afraid to lay them down. I chose now to lay those brick and make a road in to my future.  I do have plans. Many are still in the works.  Some are drag related, some are not. They are the things that I find important and meaningful and fulfilling to me.   I am taking some classes in the fall.  I want to buy a house.  I want to take a trip but it may take me another year to truly make it happen.  But I am ok with that.  I want to promote two new prelims in the pageant system I am currently representing.  It will all me to remain involved and help it grow after my rein is complete.  Then next year my goal is to go back to Miss USofA at Large.  I like competing with girls my size.  I want to place better than I did the first time.  My goal is to place in the top 12 at national pageant.  I recently meet Dessire Demornay, Miss Gay USofA at Large in OKC.  She was great.  She left a positive impression on me and it is motivating me to try again in the at large system.  I have grown as a person and entertainer.  Now is the time to return and show them how far I have come.

I thought, at one time that I may want to me Miss Gay America.  It is the oldest national pageant for female impersonators in the country.  But after the past few attempts in the system, I quickly let that go...  Now this is just my OPINION:  There seems to be a cookie cutter project every year that turns out similar girls as the national title holder.  Other may disagree.  They even look alike.    I don’t have those advantages.  Can you really dream a dream, let it go and then rebuild it again?  Or was the dream on hold.  Who knows?  Do I have the desire to be Miss Gay America?

I have to complete my other obligations first.  I know I limitations, but as an adult and am also aware of my strengths.  Now is the time to pull them all together and see what I can do to make all my goals become reality.