my love life and some back story

 It has been a couple of months since I stared my blog.  I have released some of my most inner feeling including pain of childhood, and frustration about my present endeavors. And now I feel it is time to tell the story of my love life.  It is very complicated.  There are many dating relationships that I have omitted due to lack of influence to my life.  No one wants to hear about the guy that asked me out once and we didn’t hit it off. Those are boring and irrelevant.

My freshman year at college was a time of change.  I was involved in a relationship with one of my frat brothers.  His name was Wayne.  He was tall and nice looking.  I was attracted to his out going personality.  He made me feel like I wanted to me more out going too.  I would not call it a love nor an affair, because it was neither.  I was just a young kid who had never dated anyone.  I was away from home and lonely. When I was 19, I thought that every one who wanted to sleep with you, wanted a relationship. Wayne was a junior and I trusted him.  I thought I could handle a casual relationship.  I was wrong.  I liked him and wanted to spend every minute with him. This was a big mistake.  My actions not only drove him crazy, it drove him away.  I didn’t realize that I was not important to him. I was just a fling.   I felt ashamed.  I was looking for a soul mate.     Lucky for me it ended quickly. 

By my second year in college, I had been going out with friends to the local gay bar. We only had one bar.  I enjoyed hanging out there. It was a place for me to start doing drag.  I met a man, Joe,  who would soon become my boyfriend.  We had mutual friends and spent time together.  He would come watch the shows, even though I was not very good at them.   He was a nurse at a local hospital.  He was 30.  I tried very hard not to get attached for fear of spoiling our fun.  We dated casually for several months.  He was nice, but got a job in another city.  We ended as friends; I liked him, but don’t think it was love.  It was defiantly better than the first guy. 

I soon met another man.  His name was Ron.  He was very handsome.  We met through a mutual friend.  He would come backstage and talk to me after the shows.  He loved seeing me in drag.  Infact, he liked it too much.  He was the typical confused straight gay complex. (I am not a psychologist, I just made that up.) But he did fit the mold.   I would continue to discover this type of guy over and over in my career.   He wanted to see me in drag and pretend I was a true woman.  In his mind this would make it ok to have sex with a male, because it looked like a female.  I really I did look like one. I did not have intentions of ever being a woman. I was just dressing up and having fun with my friends.   He would flirt with me and try to dance with me.    Men like this do not consider themselves gay.  They think they can only be attracted to women.  I learned from this guy, that a relationship with confused guys would never work.  We spent time shooting pool, drinking beer and enjoying each others company when I was out of drag.   But it was evident that he preferred me in drag. He got affectionate when I was in drag.  This was really hurtful to me because I was not a woman.  I wanted him to see me as a man, as well as appreciate me as a drag queen.  I cared about him a lot.  I would even say I loved him.  But he did not feel the same.  He worked for some engineering firm, and he relocated.  I cried when he told me he was moving. I was an emotional wreck for months. I’m sure he is still out there chasing skirts.  I think may be he was more of an opportunist.  He was never dedicated to one person, place or thing for very long….no matter how much make up it was wearing. 

I decided to swear off men.  Each time I met some one new, I got hurt.  I did not date for the next two years.  I was celibate.  Just like the old saying… sell–a-bit here and sell-a-bit there.  Yes I was going to have to face it;   I was 23 and had no relationship prospects.  I had started a new job and bought a car.  I had better things to worry about.  I was no longer living with my college friends. I had my own place.    I worked like mad to balance shows at night and work during the day.  I wanted so bad to get out of Wichita Falls.   I needed to reach beyond the city limits.  I needed to do drag in Dallas and Oklahoma City.  Wichita Falls was about 2 hours from each, but in opposite directions.   Both cities had open talent nights on Thursdays.  I would drive down for the shows and drive back late.  I would usually get back home about 4 am.  Then I would use paid sick leave time at work.  I found that the shows were very different from what I was used to.  Back home we did what ever was topping the charts, but in bigger cites, queens did either an illusion or dance number.  My little Mariah Carey ballads did not go over so well for a new crowd.  I never looked like anyone.  So It was hard for me to try and do an illusion of a singer.  I could not be Madonna, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston or Toni Braxton.  I felt limited. Plus no one had ever showed me how to drag dance either. Drag dancing is a strut and dance combination that us unique to queens.  I have also heard it referred to a cheer dance.   I watched the other girls and copied their moves.  I also copied their music selections.  I would bring a piece of Dallas back home in the form of new style.  Soon I would be known as ”miss maytag”.  My cousins friends nick named me that because I could shake it like a washing machine. It was not too funny to me at the time.  I was doing songs like How Do I Live dance remaix, LeAnn Rimes,  Barbie Girl, Aqua, Be my lover, LaBouche.  Wannabe, The Spice Girls. 

I made a few friends in Dallas, even though I did not live there.  I was in the old Rose Room at the Village Station.  I was watching the show, but I was not dressed up.  I talked to a waiter.  Apparently some one had ordered a drink and left.  So he offered it to me.  I found out later it was a ploy to talk to me. It worked.   His name was David.  He was one of two guys that I dated back to back named David.  (don’t get confused) David was really nice and we hit it off right away.  He was aware that I was from Wichita Falls.  We would make plans when I would come to Dallas on the weekends.  He introduced me to the cast in the Rose Room.  I met Cassie Nova, Maya Douglas, and Valerie Lohr.  The funniest was Donna Day.  She acted like she didn’t know me, every time we saw each other.  I would say hello and he would say, “who the hell are you again? Oh yeah that’s right, with David”  I loved when Donna would do “freeway of love” by Aretha Franklin.  At one point she would start jumping as she pranced and shook the room. You could feel the floor move, literally.  She was old, but damn she could entertain.  Valerie said it best…”the old broom still sweeps”  I will never forget her.  Sadly, Donna died in 2003 a week before my mom. 

David and I continued to date for about 4 months. I liked his family and enjoyed getting to know David more.  Then, something changed.   He found another guy he liked better than me. But think really David just wanted to be single. I was confused because we seemed so good together. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but it would have done no good.  He used his new love interest as a way of causing a breakup.  He just wanted to be single unfortunately I wanted to be with him.  So it ended in tears. It was the first break up, that I talked to my mother about.  She loved me enough to listen.   I stopped going to Dallas. I could still do shows in OKC, so I went there instead. 

The second David I dated, came a few months later.  I will refer to him as David #2.  We met in Wichita Falls at the bar.  He was 21 and had just moved there from Waco.  He had a friend in Wichita Falls, who welcomed him to come move there.  So he did.  David #2 and I hit it off.  I helped him get a job and in return he offered to move in with me.  I liked him ok, but had never lived with a boyfriend before.  I didn’t really know him at all.  I wish I had.  He completely took over my life. He was driving my car, living in my apartment, and wearing my clothes.  Also there were things in his past that haunted him.  He had a troubled relationship with his family.  He had been through a string of boyfriends and he had a violent temper. This was a terrible combination.  My mom tried to warn me, but like an idiot I pretended everything was fine.  I was scared of him.  I remember we had a huge argument.  I wanted him to move out, and he erupted like a volcano.  I liked him, but did not love him. Also things had moved too fast and I wanted him out.  I called my close friend Jason.  He and his partner were going to come get me because David #2 would not let me have my car keys.  I just needed to get away until things cooled down.  I did not think the situation could have gotten any worse, but it soon would. David was so angry that I had called a friend that he hit me in the face.   I tried to get him off me, I pushed him against the wall in the hallway.  In return he grabbed me in a bear hug.  We wrestled.  I managed to get up and run for the door.  David tackled me sideways and I could feel the warm blood pouring out of me as the window next to the door shattered. I never made it to the door.   I was hanging half out of the second story window bleeding and crying.  I grabbed my arm.  The glass was still in my elbow and forearm.  I was in pain.  David freaked.  He never asked if I was ok or tried to help me.  I grabbed a kitchen towel and wrapped my arm.  The apartment we lived in was up stairs and the glass and blood were on the concrete below.  My friend Jason showed up and pounded on the door. David was scared o let him in.   I have never seen Jason be so butch.  He grabbed David and I thought he would beat the shit out of him.  He was my hero that day.  He and his partner, Jonathan drove me the ER.  I was in and out conscious from the loss of blood.  I remember my mom coming in the hospital room.  She upset.  She kept asking me what had happened.  After the three of us left the apartment, David had disappeared.  He didn’t take anything so I feared he would be back.  The doctors said I would have to have surgery to repair the damage to my arm and remove the glass from my elbow.  I was left with a huge scar and numbness.  But I can use my hand. It took weeks to recover and heal. I stayed at my mom’s house.  She cared for me until I was better.   I heard that David went back to Waco.  I swore if I ever saw him again, I would kill him.  I never saw him again.  I still carry that scar and usually cover it with makeup for shows.  Today if anyone asks how I got this  ugly scar, I lie and say, ”car wreck”. 

I was not in any shows the rest of that year.  I knew people were talking about me.  They spoke of how I had gotten beat up and ended up in the hospital.  I was a fool for getting involved with a psycho.  I became a hermit while I healed.   I wanted out of Wichita Falls.  I went back to work and started planning.  I needed money, a place to go to, and most of all I needed support of friends and family.  I called my sister, Anita.  She had moved from Dallas to Oklahoma City a year before.  She told me I could stay with her and her boyfriend until I got on my feet.  That was great news.  I would have to sell most of my things or store them.  My mom let me put some in her garage.  I moved two weeks before Christmas 1999. I packed up my car with drag and I tried to put Wichita Falls in the past.  Christmas was quiet.  The year 2000 was going to be my new start.   I made few friends in OKC.  I missed my friends in Wichita Falls.  So for New Years Eve I went back to visit.  The whole Y2K thing was looming and I figured it was best to be among friends in case the lights went out.  Y2K was a computer programming error that people thought might shut down the world’s computers.  It did not, not even a flicker.

My friend Todd had a huge Y2K party at his house.  We left the bar after ringing in the New Year and headed to Todd’s. I think everyone in the bar came too.   I was sitting the living room.  I was sipping my vodka and seven trying to find better party music to play.  I heard a voice behind me telling me what a great CD I was holding.  “I love that one” he said.  The man introduced him self as G.W.  What a name I thought.  Just initials?  Interesting.  We talked on the floor for a while. He was very polite and offered me another drink from the kitchen.  To my bad luck, they were out of vodka.  It was late and things were winding down.  GW asked me if I wanted to go to his place for a last drink.  I knew it was in invitation for a more.  I said yes and we left the party together. He held my hand as we walked to my car.  He got in his truck and I followed him across town.  The whole drive, I kept thinking, I don’t even know this guy.  What are you doing? I asked myself.   He was the most polite and sweet person I have ever met.  He made me feel at ease.  We made love for the first time by candle light.  He was the gentlest lover I had ever met.  I stayed the night with him and we drank coffee in the sun room the next day.  He told me about himself.   I was captivated. All I could do was listen and stare into his magnificent green eyes.  He made my heart smile inside.  We made plans for lunch that same day. Who could have imagined that I would find the man of my dreams, back in the city I was trying to put behind me. 

I enjoyed talking to GW.  He was so eager to listen too.  He told me things about him self and some highlights about his child hood.  He also told me had had been at the bar for New Years Eve, but I did not see him there.  He was hard to miss.  He was wearing a light sweater it was cream with dark green piping.  He paired it with a crisp white shirt showing from the top of the v-neck.  He had a masculine look that I’m sure I would have noticed.  I loved the way he looked: distinqished.  He had brown hair with slight gray at the temples.  He had a mustache, great mile and two of the cutest ears.  I remember how much I enjoyed nuzzling them when we were close.  He was 42.  He had lived a full life. He had recently graduated with a BA in social work.  He was the kind of man who was self disciplined enough to go back to school as a non traditional student and earn a degree.  I was impressed.   I could tell that he was ready to invite someone new into his life.  That person would be me.  I told him about some of my past.  I was scared to tell him too much, too soon.  Plus I did not know if he would accept my drag life.  So I chose to with hold that until a later time.  We enjoyed a good lunch at a local café and then parted.  I had given him my sister phone number in OKC.  I stopped by to see my mom and then headed back to Oklahoma.  I am sure I sang in the car all the way there.  I always sing in the car when I’m happy. 

                I was busy looking for a job in OKC.  The money I had saved was not going to last long.  My sister and her boyfriend were kind enough to help me have a place to stay, but I didn’t want to see them strain too much for groceries and the like.   I got a lead on a job working at a large hotel in OKC.  I would be waiting tables but I needed a job so I took it with out hesitation.  The hotel was a luxury hotel, the finest in the city.  The job was flexible and paid well. Plus tips were good too, once I knew how to work the customers.  This job allowed me to continue to work in shows and enter pageants.

I came home day to find a message from GW.  He called to see how I was.  That was nice, I thought.  But I did not call him back until the next day.  GW and I talked for just a minute.  He said he had to be some where and was just about to walk out the door.   I quickly apologized to minimize my disappointment and told him I would call back another time.  We said a quick good bye.  I thought this must be a red flag.  Maybe he was not too serious about getting to know me further after all.  I brushed it off.  I settled into my job and made new friends at work and the clubs.  I few weeks had past.  I received a card in card in the mail. It was fro GW.  It was humorous and he wrote a message on the inside.  But how did he get my address, at my sisters house.  Apparently he had called and talked to my sister. She gave it to him.  She had not told be about it.  He told me to be sure and let him know if I would be coming into Wichita again soon.  He wanted to see me and maybe grab a bite to eat.  I guess I was dumb, because I didn’t realize he was asking me for a date.  I called him.  He was in a good mood.  I told him that I would be in town the following weekend.  Also I thought the idea of seeing him again would be good too.  We saw each other every time I had the money to come back to Wichita Falls.  Each time we got to know each other more and more.  I always thought it was odd, that he lived 6 blocks from the apartment that I used to rent in Wichita.  Also we knew some of the same people, but did not know each other.  We continued into march of 2000.  One weekend while visiting I worked up the nerve to tell GW about my drag.  We were sitting in his sun room, enjoying the cool breeze.  I was nervous.  Here was a great guy, who seemed to like me.  I was about to throw him a curve ball.  I first invited him to a show.  I told him that some friends were going to be in it and he and I might want to go together to watch.  He was ok with that idea.  He was a 42 year old gay man, I’m sure he was no stranger to a drag show.  I asked him how be felt about drag.  He said it was different.  He said if the entertainers are good, it can be a lot of fun, but if they are bad…at least you get a good laugh.  Fair enough.  I like it, I said.  I told him slowly about how I first saw some friends dressing up and how it escalated from there .  He was had to read.  I could not tell what he was thinking.  Then he said something that I have never forgotten. He paused and said ”I thought so.”  What? How did he know?  It turns out that he saw the crown in my back seat the night we met.  When he walked me to my car he saw it shimmering in the street light.  I was quiet for a second, I was waiting fo the other shoe to drop, now that I had confimed his suspicion.  But it never did. I thought he would dump me.  I was wrong.  He told me that it would be unfair to ever ask me stop doing drag.    I seemed to love it so much.  This open discussion only made my feeling for him grow. 

I continued to receive cards in the mail.   Some cards were sweet and others funny.  I remember telling my sister Anita, “This man thinks he loves me”.  Even though, we had not yet said the words.  I kept each of them.  I still have  them today.  Then one week, I didn’t hear a thing. No cards either.   I tried calling him. But all I could do was leave messages.  Damn, what was the deal? I was confused.  I tried to play it cool, but I felt sad.  I thought maybe he had changed his mind.  He knew I was competing in pageants and maybe that was too much to deal with. 

He called me the next week.  It was bad news.  Not for our relationship. It was bad news about him.  His mother passed away.  I felt like a jerk for not even thinking about anything but my hurt feelings.  He had just buried her that day.  And it turns out that the day he was short with me on the phone,   was the day his mother had a stroke.  He had been secretly dealing with family issues.  She had been in the hospital all this time.  He wanted to spare me the worry.  He didn’t want me to worry because our relationship was still new.  I didn’t know any of his people yet.  I listened to him cry and told him I love him.  He said, “I know, I love you too”.  There it was finally spoken.

We continued to see each other all though the summer. He would travel to OKC to see me too. He had made plans to come to OKC for a visit.  We would have my sister’s house to our selves, because she was working and was going to stay at a friends house that weekend. My mother taught us to always make a great first impression. (Especially when some one comes to your house for the first time.)  I never want people to see my dirty dishes or piles of laundry or a dirty bathroom.  In anticipation of GW’s first visit, I was up until 1 am cleaning the house.  I was exhausted.  GW was going to call me when he first got into the city.  That would give me a 20 minute window of time to finish my cleaning chores.  That plan failed.  He called me at 7 am.  The sun was barely awake.  He said “are you ready to get up?” I knew I needed to finishing putting the slip cover on the couch and lighting a fresh scented candle.  I wanted the house to smell good as well as look good.  I wanted to impress him.  I said, oh yes, I’m awake.  I was lying.  I was still half asleep.  He said,” open your front door.” I looked out the glass in the door.  There he was, no warning, standing at my front door holding flowers.  I thought I was going to freak. In stead I hugged him and waited until he was inside the house to kiss him passionately.  My sudden happiness turned to dread as he entered the house.  I’m sure he had seen a naked couch before, but some how the idea of him seeing mine bothered me.  I quickly tossed it over while I was frantically talking. I was nervous.  I took a few deep breaths as he told me that he was so excited to see me, that he had left Texas at 4 am and hit the road.  He wanted to see me and could not wait. He had been parked out side my house four two hours, waiting for the sun to come up. He did manage to find flowers at a near by grocery store and thought I might like them.  He was so sweet.  I melted inside.  He made me feel at ease. I quickly calmed down.  Was I dreaming?  The man of my dreams was sitting on my unmade couch.  He unloaded his travel bag and I quickly showered.  We had plans to visit the memorial in downtown, eat lunch at my favorite café and then stop by my job.  I wanted him to meet some of my close friends form work.  Then later than that evening we went out to dinner.  It was a great weekend.  I will never forget it.  We laughed, talked and genuinely enjoyed getting to know each other.  He was fascinating to me.  On Sunday, I made breakfast and we snuggled up in the bed we had made love in just hours before.  It felt so right.  I was falling hard for him.  We enjoyed the rest of the day and he left to return to Texas in the early evening.  It was the perfect conclusion to a wonderful weekend.  No one had treated me like I was important before.  No one had given me the chance to show them the person I was behind the costumes.  And lucky for me he was falling in love with me too.  He loved me as a man.  It was an idea I always thought would be out of my reach.   It was time to decide what to do next.  Would I move to Texas or convince him to move to OKC? 

We had several discussions about one of us moving. It was August of 2000. We had known each other about 8 months.  I knew I enjoyed OKC but I was not sure if leaving would be the best thing.  GW, wanted to pursue his Masters in Social work.  He had applied to The University of Texas in Arlington.  His grades were excellent and he was accepted.  He said UTA was a great school.  All I remember was that our high school team had played the state football championship there in 1985.  I was in 5^th grade.  Now GW wants to move there?  I finally gave in. I quit my job, packed my drag and I moved back to Texas.  I moved back to Wichita Falls and into a new relationship with GW. He was worth it.  We got along very well and enjoyed our relationship. We lived in Wichita for a year.  I quickly got a good job working in aviation.  I wanted GW to know how committed I was to him. I wanted to prove myself a good partner.  We both celebrated our birthdays in Oct.  We celebrated Christmas 2000 together.  He spoiled me with gifts and made our home so happy.  We even decorated the house, something he had not done in over 10 years.  He thought it was a shame that no one but he ever saw it.  Now we would spend the holliday together.   We claimed New Years Eve as our anniversary.  It was had been a year since we meet, and we were happy.  I still celebrate it.  I was working in shows back in Wichita Falls.  Also I had eantered and won Miss gay Wichita Falls pageant.  Through it all GW was there.  He helped my with everything in drag.  I know he did these things for me because he loved me. He was my biggest supporter. I think back now,  it reminds me of the song, ‘wind beneath my wings’. 

It must have been cold there in my shadow, to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, that's your way
You always walked a step behind

So I was the one with all the glory
While you were the one with all the strength
A beautiful face without a name for so long
A beautiful smile to hide the pain
Did you ever know that you're my hero
And everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle
For  you are the wind beneath my wings

The next year we planned our move to Arlington, Texas.  GW entered the master program under the advanced course. Under the advanced program, he could finish in year and half.  I started working at a large manufacturing plant.  My job was secure and money was good too.  I was also doing shows in Arlington.   They kept me busy.  In our spare time, GW would study and I would sew.  I started making dresses for others too.  He did not work, but went to school full time.  GW worked hard.  He wanted that degree.  He finished with honors and I was so proud to see him walk the stage and graduate.  At this point we had been together for about 4 years.  We had out ups and downs.  GW finished his internship at the VA in Dallas.  He found a job working as a Social Worker. 

In early 2005, GW developed a chest cold.  It would not get better.  Finally he was diagnosed with a blockage in his left bronchi tube.  It took a biopsy to tell if it was lung cancer or not.  It was.  We were devastated.  Our lives were turned upside down.  Sadly he suffered though chemo and radiation.  He was a shell of the man I had fallen in love with.  I never gave up on him.  He tried to keep fighting, but he lost.  I woke up on Sept 3, 2006 to find he had died in his sleep.  The last thing we said to each other was, “I love you”.  He was gone too soon.  I buried him with his mom and dad.  It is a small cemetary in the country.  Very peaceful.  I hope that maybe I may be buried there too someday.  But I doubt his family would allow that.  I cried for five years over this loss.  Now I find comfort in the words   ‘Siempre en mi Corazon” This is Spanish for “forever in my heart” And he is too.